Hannah- A Memorial

Come over and Join me

2010-11-08T21:48:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking of writing and sharing what the Lord has taught me for sometime now. I did not find it suitable to continue on this blog because I started this with another purpose. This blog is a memorial for Hannah. Some time later, I would like to wrap it up and and make it into a book. For now, I'll just leave it open and come back here if I wanted to share anything regarding Hannah.

Mean while I started another blog. It is more of journaling and sharing whatever the Lord has been teaching me. I hope it will be an encouragement to you. You can go there by clicking here . Thank you for being a part of my grieving journey.

2010-05-29T00:12:00.001-07:00

A cake that never saw 8 candles.

2010-05-28T23:44:00.001-07:00

Dear Hannah,

With feelings of pain mixed with hope we celebrate your birthday. Celebrating your birthday is different in your absence. Do we celebrate or do we mourn? Do we sing or do we cry? I do not know my child, but I know we have a common place where our hearts are united in hope. And that is in the presence of our Lord.

When the birthday reminder that was set on my phone beeped today, I did not know what to do. I lifted my heart to my God and tearfully remembered what it would have been if you were here. Your position as an older sister is still open but never to be filled or taken by anyone. Down here on this earth, we are bound by time and space. So for us time translates to years and ages. we age and we grow. But I remember how different it is in heaven. Heaven is not bound by time or space. There is no aging and so there might not be birthdays. But I know only to live as a human and in my human understanding I celebrate your 8th birthday.

May God's name be glorified in that cake that never saw 8 candles.
May God's name be glorified in the balloons that were never blown for you this year.
May God's name be glorified in the toys that were never bought and the fun that we never had together celebrating you and singing over you.
May God's name be glorified in the absence of my firstborn.
May God's name be glorified when you did not go to second grade,but all your friends did.
May God's name be glorified in the wound that surfaces every year as your memories washes it to the shore.
May God's name be glorified in and through our lives in your absence and in all the pain and tears and may the purpose for which God allowed it take completion in every way.

The desire of our soul O Lord, is for your name and for the remembrance of You.

Mother or Not

2010-05-14T16:06:00.000-07:00

Motherhood- not to be in the checklist

Born into a world where reckoning comes through measurable standards, we have been exposed since childhood to a checklist that we have all adopted and checking through to our final goal. From infant mile stones through educational school system we are being checked off as we hurdle one milestone after another. This measurable standard creeps into adulthood takes us through marriage, job, and house and now into motherhood/fatherhood. While innocent in itself, adopted as a goal or a focus, this checklist leaves no room for the sovereignty of God. From Sarah to Elizabeth the bible is full of characters where Gods sovereignty intervened to pause man and to glorify His name through waiting upon God and to find man’s ultimate purpose apart from the man made check list. When the check list dictated woman to become a mother by so and so age, Gods sovereignty sometimes painfully intervenes to put the spotlight on God and seems to be saying, “I have an agenda that I have been gently leading you to which is greater than the checklist that has been imposed on you by the culture.” God’s agenda understands the pain of a barren womb as it recognizes it as one of the three things that cannot be satisfied as mentioned in Proverbs: 30:16 Yet, God’s agenda has the potential to gloriously turn that around for His glory, only and only if surrendered to the maker’s hand. It bids us to bravely say, I will not adopt the eyes of the world to dictate the progress of my life rather I would adopt my Maker’s vision to fulfill His purpose in my life. Oh! What glory is conceived in a barren womb and what life is brought forth when it is united with its Maker’s purpose.

Motherhood – not your security

We need security because we are insecure people. Apart from God, we do not have any self worth. Being a mother should not increase your self worth, neither does, not being a mother decreases your self worth either. Insecurity is a heart issue. God has the answer to all our heart issues. Many times insecurity takes the subtle form of materialism, work holism, self centeredness, critical spirit etc. You cannot fill your heart issue with any of these things. Position, power and riches shouldn’t give us something we feel we are missing, when what we are truly missing is finding our worth and value in the Lord.
When whatever we are finding our worth in goes away, we will once again be left empty, hopeless and devastated. You cannot find your worth in being a mother because your children do not exist nor were they created to increase your self esteem. That is not the purpose of their life. They do not exist to make you feel good about yourself.
On the other hand, if you have never nurtured a child, do not think you would have been secure, had you given birth. Regardless, if you choose to believe so, it is a lie and you live your entire life trying to find your worth in something other than the Lord. What you need is not self esteem, it is God esteem. Mother or not, strive for Christ esteem which is well worth a pursuit.

Motherhood- not your identity

Walking by the baby aisle at Walmart, rarely someone pass by without noticing the receiving blankets, fuzzy fur toys, bibs, bottles and the teeny tiny baby shoes. It instills the memories of new born bonding days, smell of a cuddly baby and warmth of a snuggling infant. Our culture has brought motherhood down to baby blankets, rocking chairs, teddy bears, rattles and perhaps a stork sign that displays a just delivered infant bundle. Motherhood goes beyond the stork, the rattles and the baby Einstein. You are in charge of a soul that is destined for eternity. Someone said, motherhood is God’s custom designed fire. Here you learn to let go, surrender, to let God have His way. Motherhood is not an identity to uphold or crave. It is a stewardship entrusted to us and for a season. It involves training little hearts and teaching them the ways of the Lord. It is better to build little people than to repair big people. We need to instill in them a desire for godliness and His kingdom and we need to do all this without our hearts becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. I have to guard my heart constantly with regards to my children and know that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away and that if they exist they do so for the glory of God. So let us not see motherhood as our identity, rather, as a stewardship.

Mother? Swim upstream.

I have heard the story of salmon fish swimming upstream to lay eggs. She swims against the current to give birth and shortly after that the salmon dies. There has never been the need for mothers to swim upstream against the culture and the world than now. If only mothers would realize that parenting is more than providing. It requires falling on the Lords arms more than once crying for wisdom and understanding. Like a salmon, I need to do all there is to equip them for godly life and then slowly fade away from the stage of life. When a mother chooses to nurture her children for the Lord and everything that she does seems insignificant at the time, mundane at best, remember the old proverbial rhyme,
“For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail “

May the kingdom of God never be at loss for the want of a godly mother.

Not a mother? Seize the opportunity of a life time

Tears that well up while holding a test with one line, hope that rises and crashes to the ground like a cycle month after month, empty hands and empty cradles, frustration and anger that God does not seem to be seeing, life that ebbs away without meaning… all makes us wonder, “ Is it all there is to life?”
No, this is not all there is to life, if the empty hand finds its way to the treasures of the Lord. The glorious riches He has for His saints. Do not substitute this vacuum with friends, do not substitute this vacuum with possessions, and do not substitute it with power. Realize that you have opportunities that others do not have. Mother or not, God has made a woman with potential and talents He can use for His glory. Mother or not, you are very much a woman made in His image and you exist to bring Him glory.
God can do glorious things with a life surrendered to Him and that is what brings meaning to life and not the package assigned to you in life. May we look beyond empty hands and empty cradles to a faithful Father who promised us that by His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory and excellence 2 Peter 1:3.

Motherhood is not about me!

2010-04-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

I had been away for almost a year from the blogosphere. I thought of posting a lot of times but I had come to a place where there was nothing more to add, nothing more to say...

I started blogging to vent my feelings about Hannah and possibly to encourage someone else in their trials. I came to a point where I was completely at peace with my maker and there was no more venting. So this post is no venting... nothing about reflecting on our times with Hannah.

This is an update about what the Lord has been doing in our life.

My blog started on Sep 20 th 2008. Two months after Hannah passed away. Little did I know that time, a year from then I would be holding an infant in my hand. On Sep 21st 2009, Daniel was born. We had moved to a new home just 3 weeks before Daniel was born. Abigail is now the big sister, taking Hannah's place, in her absence. Abigail is 2 years and 4 months today and Daniel is 7 months today. Abigail knows Hannah very well and talks about Hannah gone to sleep and that she is with Jesus. I wish to train their hearts in the ways of our Lord and teach them His ways.

Just recently I heard from a godly lady about motherhood. she says,

"Here's what I beleive God wants all of us women to come to: Motherhood is not an image we are to uphold. We are not to make MOTHERHOOD (even Christian motherhood) our identity. We are not to possess our children for US. We need to raise them in the fear of the Lord without our own HEARTS becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. "

"Not to make motherhood as our identity"- now, that is mind blogging! I always thought, motherhood was my identity along with being a wife. It takes immense trust in God and denying my self to say I do not make motherhood my identity for selfish reason. My children do not exist to make me happy but for me to train them in the ways of the Lord. I have committed my life for this purpose. May God help me to do it well.

I thank my God for all these ways he is taking me through. May your name be glorified O Lord!

Because God gave us you....

2009-05-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

Because God gave us you....

This was the title of the book we gifted Hannah 1 year ago on her 6 th birthday. As I look back I know I was affirming to her ( and to me) that God was the one who gave her to us and He had absolute authority over her life as well. Today,had she been here, she would have been seven.

Like I always say, God is good and what he does is good. In his wisdom it seemed good to Him to direct things this way.

We want to make it a tradition in our family to speak about Hannah and to think about her a lot on her birthday and teach our other children everything about her and what we have learned, as we went through this school of sorrow. We want to visit her cemetery and teach our children though her body lies there, she is with the Lord. We want to remind ourselves and teach our children that we will all see her one day that is, if they put their trust in Jesus Christ as their sister once did. We want to thank God for giving her to us and helping us raise her through our mistakes and wisdom and enabling us to be witnesses unto Him even in her death.

Because God gave us you, we will continue to love you...

Happy Birthday Hannah

In the pursuit of His glory

2009-03-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

Let me start of by apologising for lack of posts these days. Abigail transitioned from 2 naps a day to single nap which gives mom just enough time to catch up with the bare essentials of life. So blogging has been on the back burner for all these days. While I was away, I had been thinking much about writing a post on pursuit.

Any one who has received a mail from me in the recent past must have come across this signature "in the pursuit of His glory". This is something that has been in my mind for quite some time now. I have meditated much on this little phrase. At one point I even re dedicated my life for this pursuit. This is how I want to live. Everything I do, must be counted towards His glory. All the trials and difficulties must manifest His glory. Every desire must be delightful and God honoring and bring much glory to God. My life should center around his throne in the pursuit of his glory.

I even found a verse that echoes with this desire of mine. It is Isiah 26;8

The desire of our soul is for Your name
And for the remembrance of You.

When my life is summed up, I want everyone to remember that it was a life spend in the pursuit of His glory. When I lie in my coffin (unless I am taken away in rapture) I want to reflect glory to God. I wish my head stone would read ( If I have one) "In the pursuit of His glory".

There is nothing more worthy than living your life for the glory of God and counting it all joy what ever we endure.

Dear Hannah

2009-01-23T09:54:00.001-08:00

Dear Hannah,

Today, its six months since I saw you last. I can't believe its been half a year yet it seems like ages. Your sister is already a year old, something you wanted to celebrate much. We celebrated her birthday just like you dreamed when you were here, with balloons at your cousin's place. We have never heard "Appa" "Amma" since you went. But couple of days back your little sister has started calling us both, "Appa" and "Amma" again. It has brought such joy to us more than we can explain. She also says "chechi" when she looks at your pictures. I know you would have been so proud and over joyed yourself to hear it. We miss you everyday and though God had caused the pain to lessen, we still yearn and long to be together again with you. Love you much,

Your Amma.

Grief is undeniable

2009-01-16T10:35:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that grief is undeniable but misery is an option. This I found to be very true. What ever way you exhibit it, be it denial or bargain or depression, we all go through a little bit of all the grief reactions. But at the same time, there is a percentage of people who choose to be miserable over the loss. I think grieving with hope is the key not to grieve with misery.

Grief in itself is hard to take. Who wants to add misery to it? So please know that there is hope in grieving and that is what this blog is all about.

"...Nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish"

2009-01-09T20:30:00.000-08:00

During and after the days of Hannah's passing, I have had people ask me different questions. Some wanted to know why I did not cry and others asked me if it was post traumatic shock or God's strength/ peace that held me together. To be honest, I did not know at that time what held me together because that was my first experience with a loss of such magnitude. Even now my peace amazes me!

But, I know one thing. It is time for any shock, any numbness to slowly give way to an underlying flood of emotions or an overwhelming grief reaction to surge in and break me down. But thank God that has not happened. So I strongly believe I was not in shock. Without neglecting the grief process on one hand and undermining the peace that God gives (which is peace that passes all understanding) I want to derive at some conclusions as to what holds me together, which I think might encourage some of you.

I loved God more that I loved Hannah
I believe God does not make any mistakes.
I believe the steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord and so everything that happens to me is within the knowledge of my God.
I am contended with my Masters decisions in my life
I believe Psalms 119:68 Lord you are good and what you do is good.

Now, you may ask what is so good about losing your loved one, your first born, the apple of your eye..? In all humility my answer is I do not know all the details but here's what I know...

In my makers wisdom it seemed good to Him to call Hannah home
It seemed good to him that I buy gold refined in fire( an illustration in the bible referring to trials) that I become rich ( rich towards Him)
It seemed good to him that I be wounded and faithfully afflicted so He could heal me.
It seemed good to Him that this way, I would look forward to his coming
It seemed good to Him that I would learn some lessons in the school of sorrow for His glory.

What ever it is I have hope when I grieve. Do you? Do you know the one in whom my hope rests? My hope rest on a person. His name is Jesus. He died for my sins. God raised him from the dead. He is coming back again. I look forward to His coming when I can go with Him and see Hannah one day. Like the bible says in Psalms 9:18

But the needy will not always be forgotten ,

nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

2009-01-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry to keep you waiting. This is what was inside the silver cup. I was truly blessed to know that she loved worshipping the Lord which she must be doing now!! I was also blessed to know that God helped her the week before she passed away. I still do not understand how the third question applies. But, someday I will.

A Christmas gift left by Hannah

2008-12-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

The week before Hannah passed away, she was attending VBS at the Calvary Chapel, South bay. On the last day I believe, she came home with a foil wrapped paper cup with a smiley face named Jesus going into the cup right through the middle of it. She kept it on the table and told us " This has to be opened only on Christmas day." It has been sitting there since then. After Hannah passed away we have all been taking guesses as to what it is. It might be something that Hannah wrote or some craft she did at the VBS or some ornament she made....or maybe even, there is nothing in it! On the side of the cup there is a sticker that says " I am a new creation" and on the top of the verse is a typed verse " I want to know Christ and the power of his Resurrection" signed Hannah. Anyways, I am counting days to see what Hannah has left for us this Christmas.
Who wants to take a guess? Nimmy..?

Painful Season

2008-12-19T21:08:00.000-08:00

I have had many of my friends and loved ones ask me, " Is it difficult for you this time of the year?" or " How are you coping with your loss, in this season?" I had thought about it much. For me losing Hannah and living with that loss is the same pretty much everyday. But I also understand that the celebrations of the season makes it hard for people who have had losses. They are not in the mood to celebrate but they see everyone but them, enjoying. They look at every family that is intact and think, Why just us?

I went through such an emotional war last week. I was eating breakfast by myself and I cried out to the Lord, " Lord, this accident that happened is so ugly. You could have called her home many other ways. I am always going to carry this ugly memories all my life, there is nothing good about this, Lord. Even after many years, when people look at it they are going to shudder. How are you ever going to glorify your name through this ugly accident Lord?" As Faithful as my Lord is, He met me at the breakfast table in a wonderful way that I think is worthy of mentioning in this blog. He said " My child, Look to the cross, it is even uglier than this. When my son died (for you), he was marred beyond recognition. There was nothing desirable about him. When he who created the universe hung upon that Roman cross, When he who knew no sin, took upon the sins of the world, When it was a curse to be hanging on a tree, yet when he took your curses, my child, it was uglier still. It was so ugly that I couldn't look at it. But that ugly thing, the Roman cross is the crux of the christian faith. Without that cross, there would have been no forgiveness of sins. My child, I am talking to you today only because of that cross. You ask me how I glorify my name through this, my child, I always use the foolish things of this world, the despised things, things that are not worthy to glorify my name."

So today if you have a despised thing, an ugly incident, give it to my Potters hand. He has been mending many specks and spots through the ages. I quote Corrie ten boom who said "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." So with the merriment and the joy this season brings, I am going to trust a father who once lost His son(Yes, to the Roman cross) and spend time with Him, knowing Him more.

Fear of Death.

2008-12-13T22:12:00.000-08:00

I have always wondered as to what will happen to me after I die. And I know for sure most of you have done so also. I have thought " Will I cease to exist?, Will I become a soul and roam around?, Will the angels come and take me to heaven, if so when do they come, right after I breathe my last or do they wait for sometime?" Now this is the worst of the series... " How will I know when to get out of my body? Will it be safe to get out and if I don't see the angels... then what??"

Oh, I can go on and on with these thoughts.. At one point and all this before Hannah passed away, I said ," Lord I don't want to be alone when I die, I want my husband to die with me." Creeping out of my dead body as a soul and looking around for angels or chariots or even worse asking them for a ride to heaven, was too much to even imagine doing together, let alone on my own!!"Travelling through death's door was horrifying for me, UNTIL Hannah passed away.

Hannah's home going opened my eyes to see something that most has not seen. The bible says that if you believe in your heart Jesus is Lord and confess that he died for your sins and was raised to life and if you give the Lordship of your life to Jesus Christ, you are saved and born again. For this person, when they die, they are with the Lord. That is when you take your last breath here, next thing, you are in the presence of Jesus. The apostle Paul says "To be absent from the body is to be with the Lord". How that happens I don't know, But I know for sure now that I don't have to crawl or creep out of my body and wait for the call " I can help the next guest in line....". This has become a reality to me now. It's an assurance that I don't have to lie in the box waiting.... I am not there in the casket when I die....What others see is just my outer covering. I might be walking on the heaven's street of gold when people walk up the aisle to get a glimpse of my outer shell!

Oh! what a joyous day that is! Fulfillment of all that I ever waited for. To set my face on my maker! I wouldn't trade that for anything.Nothing in the world can give me that kind of ecstasy.The bible says the earth and everything in it will pass away. But there is only one thing that does not pass, God. So that's where I want to be, after I finish what my Saviour has called me to do. This makes me ask " Oh death, where is your victory?" Death has lost its sting since Jesus died and defeated death. I don't fear dying anymore. If I die, that means my duty here is over. What ever means I die of. This confidence is on a personal level.

But I have people who ask me but what about a loved one dying, what about our children....? I don't assume to know why God calls some when they are 5 and why some others from their mothers womb yet some others in their 90's. Those are done according to Gods perfect wisdom and when it happens I can only say that God has helped them to finish their race. Their race is finished whether that fetus got to see the world outside or not. According to God's timing, Hannah lived a full life. I have had people send me cards that read " sympathising in the untimely death of your daughter" I wanted to scream when I saw it. I believed, her death was timely. I believed God had given her to me for 6 years for some reason only he knows. I believed she lived a full life. Knowing all these is one thing, and preparing for another event of such magnitude is another thing. By going through this trial, I have become more appreciative of God's sovereignty and wisdom. But that, in NO WAY makes me prepared for another one like this....When you say, you are afraid if something might happen to your child, I hear you. I am not prepared either...but there is a thin assurance within me that says " God you are good and what you do is good." Psalms 119:68 Even if no one sees any good in it, I see... by faith ( sometimes only by faith). I know he does not make any mistakes... I also know that we are called to be faithful...He is writing HIS story... He has been writing... since creation and all this while did we ever think that He is allowing us to write OUR story?? Oh, how mistaken we are!! We have shifted the focus to us. The stage is His and the lights should always be on him because it is His story and He uses everything for His glory. Now, did I know this when I gave my heart to Jesus, perhaps not. I only knew He loved me so much as to die for me and wanted me to give my allegiance to him. But will knowing this now, make me walk back? Never. As apostle Peter said, " The words of eternal life are with you master, where shall we go apart from you." So all those who are afraid of the death of a loved one, let me tell you when you crash against something you don't understand about, fall back on what you already know. Exchange what you don't know with what you know. And what you know is,

Lord you are good and what you do is good.!! Psalms 119:68

2008-12-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

Fear for life

(This is the continuation of my previous blog entry. Please scroll down to read from the beginning)

When a child is born into this world, it is born into an already defined structured environment which expects him to prove himself and progress into more complex criteria and standards. When they are little we call it 'milestones'. We expect them to prove themselves through the milestones and progress rapidly through to fall into different settings which we may also call "standards of the world." The child struggles to keep up with these standards and in the process develops his egos.

As with those of us from India, the motto or the standard is often

Grow up and become a doctor

Marry have a son and daughter

Drive around in the best motor

Don't waste time playing soccer

but store away cash in the locker.

With every passing stage the child's goals or struggles are more or less to keep up with these standards. Ever been there? I have!

As a christian the sermons and teaching I heard bordered around these goals too. Oh, sometimes they were just polished to make it look as though it was "blessings from God" or " For the glory of God".Sadly, the worldly standards have crept into many churches and over the years many saints have been drifted away to thinking this is how a christian should be living ( the prosperity theory, for instance.) While the standards in itself are not wrong and I don't have any doubt on the abilities of my God I strongly disagree a life that is set apart to follow the standards of the world.

If you did not pass one of these goals/ milestones, you were less spiritual?? Your prayers were not powerful enough to unlock the blessing door of heaven?? Ever been there? I have!

With a grateful heart towards God let me say, I learnt it the hard way that the church of Jesus Christ was built on the blood of the martyrs, blood of the saints who were persecuted and killed for their faith. Their families orphaned and starved because they heard the call to preach this good news to many those who have not heard it. These persecuted Christians did not wake up in the morning and pray " lord bless me, bless my husband, bless my kids" and sing showers of blessings and claimed more blessings and fasted for their blessings and developed faith muscles to exercise blessings. ( Nothing wrong with praying for your needs, just don't let that become your only prayer.) But, they cried, " Lord, one more soul" that was their passion. They did not have the struggles to keep up with the milestones of the society. They did not have any standards other than the son of God who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Knowing this they offered their lives as a living sacrifice and built not their homes, but the kingdom of God. Enjoying the freedom in Christ, this is what I want to be doing. I don't want to get in the rat race of building my own kingdom. It is my prayer that the spirit of God would cause this desire to grow and use me for the glory of His name.

Fears

2008-12-01T21:20:00.003-08:00

Knowing Jesus and after walking with Jesus for all these years and after much thinking, defining and re defining my goals, values and attitudes I have come to know that Hannah's home going has lessened my fears....namely The fear of life, The fear for life and the Fear of death.
I am set free, released and liberated from such fears at least theoretically. I still have to pass the practical tests in some areas.

Fear of life.

As a child I always worried about my parents, I worried what would happen to us if something happened to them. Growing up, I worried about the test scores and my friendship skills. I worried about who would love me and I worried about all the possible "what ifs" that could happen before the sunset everyday. As an adult I worried about my career and life. As a believer in Jesus Christ I was 'concerned' about the discrepancies I saw around me....There were always worries and concerns... With Hannah passing away, I have understood that life is so fleeting, this place is not my permanent home. I am here only to decide my eternity. Eternity is where I am going to spend my life. It is like you are travelling to a place and you are at the station to buy the ticket. You don't worry about what ever happens at the station, because the station is not where you are going to be, you are going to go to your home. You are at the station only for a while...Just like Jesus said, "In a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. " I have understood that I am here only for a while and I will be boarding soon. While I am at the station let me call as many as I can, and tell them the right place to go and the way to go. Jesus said "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal. Mathew 6:19,20." So as I live my life here, I am going to store away treasures in heaven. I am going to fill my heavenly account with credits. This I do by obeying my Lord as I have been set free from the fear of life.

I shall write again about Fear for life and Fear of death in the following posts. Stay tuned.

Ladies in red.

2008-11-23T16:53:00.000-08:00

Hannah was the youngest lady to join us that day. We always have Nimz and vinz come over to our home and Hannah enjoyed those days.The speech therapists used every opportunity to work on her speech and look who she has grown into!

Who is "cuter"?

2008-11-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

Inside the bubble

2008-11-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

Hannah inside a life size bubble on a birthday party.

With Nimmy chechi

2008-11-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

I love you nimmy chechi.

And a special kiss for you!

Learning to swim... to the other shore??

2008-11-23T15:11:00.000-08:00

" Ammae I am scared..I don't want to learn it..Let me go.."

" This feels good"

" Ah... This is so much better..."

Cool Picture

2008-11-23T14:08:00.000-08:00

On Hannah's fourth birthday.

"Look here, everyone"

2008-11-23T13:41:00.000-08:00

Ladies are gathered around in a room, after a function at Pastor Valson's home, when suddenly everyone's attention is on Hannah. She is 2 years and 8 months in this picture.

With cousin Joanna

2008-11-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

Hannah loved to match colors. Cousin Joanna was the first baby Hannah got to hold. She loved feeding and holding her baby cousin.

Practicing to feed

2008-11-12T08:55:00.000-08:00

Hannah 21 months old!

Farmer Hannah had many friends.....

2008-11-12T08:46:00.000-08:00

Pre-K years- Hannah with her friends Rhema and Isabella

Hannah dressed a farmer for school- Harvest festival 2007

christmas 2006

2008-11-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

She loved her Appa (Daddy)and always worried why her Appa could drink soda and not her. She named her Appa "Pepsi boy" after seeing her Appa gulping Pepsi down when she had to work on her milk.

Breakfast battle

2008-11-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

"Thats enough" was Hannah's motto when it comes to Breakfast, lunch or dinner. This picky eater would eat only couple of things to her hearts contend- chicken curry/ chicken nuggets and water melon.

Bubble(ing) Bath

2008-11-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hannah had lots of fun with her cousins in the summer of 2006. She remembered the popcorn night and the bubble bath and cherished those memories very much.

Pony Ride

2008-11-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

This was one of Hannah's passions. She fell in love with pony's and horses after this ride.

Popcorn/Movie night

2008-11-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

Hannah is enjoying a movie with her cousins. Summer 06.

Make Believe

2008-11-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

This picture was taken at a hands on museum in Michigan. Hannah has a smile on this one as she is pretending to be injured and is taken in an ambulance as you can see. About two years after this picture was taken, on July 23, 2008, Hannah was again taken like this, only this time she had no smiles.

Daddygator

2008-10-31T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hannah in the middle with her cousins riding on Daddy aligator. Summer 06.

First day of school

2008-10-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hannah getting ready to go to school on the first day of Kindergarten. I followed her with the camera that morning.

Shadow box

2008-10-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

I made this shadow box as a memorial for Hannah and now it is kept in our living room. It contains some of the precious things that Hannah loved and Hannah used. It also contains a lock of her hair that was given to me from the E.R of the hospital where she was pronounced dead. I shall go over each item here and explain its significance.

Birth announcement- This was on her bassinet on the day she was born. It was rather like an information tag for the hospital staff. It has my last name, her birth weight, her height, head circumference, date she was born, name of my doctor and medical group.

Birth picture- Hannah posing on my arms with her dad nearby,for her first picture with the entire labor "crew". The one in blue scrubs is my doctor.

Name HANNAH- Hannah wrote this with glitters at preschool with her teacher's help.

Pink Purse- Hannah had been asking me for a purse, for her 6th birthday. One of my gifts were this purse filled with make-up goodies. On July 23rd, the day she went to be with the Lord, just before we left home, I asked her if she had taken her library card, because we wanted to stop by the library to get some books. She said she did not have it. I had to help her get the purse down from the shelf. I was also trying to get her into the habit of carrying her purse and be responsible for it. So off we went that day and she had it in her lap the time she died... So it is very precious to her and me. I later got a blood stained purse from the stuff they gathered from the wrecked car. On top of the purse you can see her Coast Christian school I.D badge and the bible that was given to her on the day of her dedication. Attached to the purse is a pink bracelet that I gave her on her last birthday here.

Picture with Abigail- Any memorial for Hannah is not complete without portraying her love for Abigail. This picture was taken when Abigail was brought home from the hospital for the first time. Hannah held her for a considerably long time until we were done putting things away that we brought from the hospital.

Watch- We got this watch for Hannah to teach her time management. We would set up alarm for her and she tried her best to wake up and finish her milk on time! This watch was always on her hand, except when she got in for a shower. Again, she had it on that day and the hospital staff gave it back to us.

Pink marker- Pink was her favorite color and markers and pencils were part of her life. She drew, she wrote and occupied her self with her love for reading and writing.

Hannah' s program brochure printed for her home going service.

Fruit "lollops" and chewing gum-Another passion of Hannah, beyond reading and writing. She must be chewing on a lot of them, walking on the streets of gold.

Earrings- A gift from her uncle, she had been wearing it over a year. Again, we collected it from the coroner's office.

Lock of her hair- while I was collecting things for he shadow box, I remembered her hair given to me from the hospital. I had much difficulty taking it out, because her hair was her... it was part of her.... it was part of her body....I had stroked that hair countless number of times....I had brushed and tied her hair every single day... I pulled on her pony tail and kissed on her hair and shampooed her hair every single day....everything else in the shadow box was of hers but her hair was HER. As I took it out from the box, my hands were not shaky, but my heart was pounding. I was shocked at the lock of hair I was holding... I tried to stroke it... NO, it was not the same...something was missing... It was COLD! There was no life in it... it didn't feel like her hair that was once soft and full of life, bouncy and wavy... this feeling was different. I had heard that death was cold. But this was beyond it, lifeless... the lock was stuck together like someone had glued it. It was hard and DEAD.

Birthday candle- I had saved it for some reason, I am glad I did.

Clothes- Hannah was wearing this pink T-shirt and skirt at home, before she changed to go to the park. For the first time, she had it neatly folded on her bed over the pillow and spread her comforter over it. That's where I found this dress on the day she died. I never got a chance to appreciate her for this work done so neatly. Someday I will get to see her and I shall tell her all these things. But, will the things of earth become strangely dim at the light of heaven? I do not know, but I shall continue to love her there in the presence of my Lord.

Hair band-Hannah always had this on her head. This was her favorite head band. Though I bought her another one, she continued to use this. My husband had to go to take out all the stuff from the wrecked car the day after the accident. He came back and told me, He couldn't bear the sight of this head band resting by the brake lights on top of the back seat. He could not look at the head band and not see Hannah's head under it. He imagined at the impact of the accident, the head band flying away and resting on top of the brake lights. This brought so much pain into his heart. He could not finish telling me that without sobbing.

I put Hannah's comb and her half used cotton candy perfume inside the head band. Hannah loved her perfume, though she smelled of cotton candy after wearing that perfume, I had started getting used to a "Cotton candy Hannah".It was a gift to Hannah from 'Laly mummy' our Pastor's wife, who she affectionately named so.

Those are the shoes we bought from target on her birthday with the gift card her grandmother gifted her with. After bringing Hannah to the E.R from the accident site as the paramedic lady rolled away her stretcher, she stopped by me and wished me all the best, then she handed one of Hannah's shoes to me. I grabbed it instantly and put it in my bag. Later, we got the other pair from the hospital staff.

I like the way they call this a shadow box. To me everything in it are just shadows.... One day we will hear the trumpet call and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Yes, Hannah's glorious body is going to rise from the grave, just like Jesus rose, after he died. It will join her spirit, which is with the Lord at this time. Then, the bible says, we who are alive, will be caught up with him in the air. This is called "rapture". And there will be a glorious reunion in the air. Her face will not be marred like the last time we saw it, she is going to get a glorious new body. This is the hope of everyone who has put their trust in Jesus. The life here on the earth will just become a shadow on that day. Everything we strive for, everything we build here, every work we do.... all will be shadows of the glorious things God will reveal to us on that day.

To those who read me today and know-not what I am talking about, Jesus came to the earth 2000 years ago, to identify with human life, he lived for 33 years and then died on the cross, for our sins. he took our punishment on the cross and died the death we were supposed to get, so that by believing in Him, even though we die, we shall rise again from the dead and live for ever with Him. He did this because he loves you so much to see you die, without hope. All you need to do is to believe in your heart, Jesus died for your sins, and receive the new life Jesus wants to give you. When you do this, you are born again into the kingdom of God. Jesus says, "I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me, will live even though he dies." John 11:25.

May God help you to understand this truth and help you to put your trust in Him.

p.s If you happened to put your trust in Jesus Christ through any circumstance, Please let us know, leave a comment for me.

I wish you were here!

2008-10-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

I will live my life with your memories
Spoken of by our parents.
Though, I have lot of worries,
I know you are at peace!

I see the pictures of you carrying me, holding me, and feeding me
It sure is a loss to grow up without you
I will never know what I am missing, see
I always grew up without you!

I know I will see you one day
and we will rejoice holding hands
Until then, your body here lay
but your spirit with our Lord, dance!

Family pictures Jan-08.

2008-10-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Hope for the hopeless

2008-10-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Its been three months since you called Hannah home.The day she died, I was so numb, I couldn't even analyse if it was 'faith' or if it was 'shock' that held me so strong! I was deeply wounded, seeing my family torn apart in bereavement. Those days, all I thought was how to be an effective witness for you. I had always thought and played in my mind an image of me standing up and being an effective witness in times of crisis. Thank you for giving me the strength. I never thought I would have to go three months without her. Because I was so sure, rapture was close. I longed every day and night to hear the trumpet call. You have brought me thus far with hope...I still wait for the rapture. I long to be in my home... to rest eternally.

There is nothing exciting for me here, dear Lord. All I long is for You. Nothing in this world seem to excite me. I have truly become a stranger and alien in this world.

I am not bitter Lord, but I don't have anything to tell you these days. I sit in your presence and make myself praise you. I believe you are faithful and will bring me home..But when it comes to blessing me here on earth, I am not too sure of it. Because I wrestle with limited understanding on defining the term "blessing". Help me to see the way you see things. When I look, I see you taking her from me ,when I asked you for protecting her. When I look, I see discouragement and nothing going too well with us. Yet I choose to believe the scriptures that says " your ways are just and your judgements are righteous".You always do what is right in the lives of your children.

You have the wisdom that I do not have
You are God and I am not!
You are hope of the nations, yet
you are the hope of my World today!
Apart from you there is no hope for me
My world is waiting on you to come get me!
Events in my life are
brutally beautiful
marvelously melancholic!
Though I grieve, yet I rejoice
Because I serve a manger born King
Lion of Judah, slain as a lamb
Man of sorrows, creator of the universe
Hope for the hopeless and
Resurrection for the dead.

Indian feast!

2008-10-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

Hannah celebrating Cultural day at school with her Indian friends, Sita and Isabella.

AM Cuddling

2008-10-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

This is a typical morning in our home. Everyone ends up in the family bed for a session of cuddling! We miss you Hannah but we know you are cuddled in the arms of our almighty father.

shower time or show time?

2008-10-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

The girls are headed to the shower.

Rachel weeping!

2008-10-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 4:19

Oh, my anguish, my anguish!
I writhe in pain.
Oh, the agony of my heart!
My heart pounds within me,
I cannot keep silent.

Jeremiah 31:15

"A voice is heard in Ramah,
mourning and great weeping,
Rachel weeping for her children
and refusing to be comforted because her children are no more"

This is what the Lord says:
"Restrain your voice from weeping
and your eyes from tears,
for your work will be rewarded."

For all those who come to read my blog, Thank you for visiting and taking time to read about Hannah. Its been increasingly difficult to write about her. The last week has been tough!That's when I came across this verse, as silly as it sounds, I never knew my name and situation was in the bible. OK, I know I am not theologically sound here for those of you who are on zeal for the scriptures. Over look this as a mother's attempt to find identity, in the agony of losing her child.

I never imagined raising Abigail without Hannah... That's my agony!
I could never make Abigail understand, how much her big sister loved her and cherished her... Are there enough words out there for this task? When will Abigail have enough understanding to know what we have gone through? Or will she ever realize it?

The desire for bringing Abigail to this world came out of our deepest concern for giving Hannah a sibling to grow up with. We wanted to give Hannah something she loved to have, that was her un quenching desire for a sibling.

And now, the one who came to give company is left alone, without a companion!

Oh, my anguish, my anguish!
I writhe in pain.

So, it has been a tough week....

But, thorough it all, through it all... I have come to depend upon my God.

Semester Awards! [click on the picture to enlarge]

2008-10-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hannah receiving semester awards at school.

Birthday bash

2008-10-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

This is the only birthday of Hannah's, we did not celebrate at a park. Since she was a memorial day baby, we always had our church picnic during memorial day and that's usually at a park. This time our church picnic got postponed to a later date and we decided to surprise Hannah by taking her to Kids concepts. We invited Sita, her sister Lakshmi and Isabella to play with her. The girls enjoyed thoroughly and Hannah had a bash!. This was a total surprise for Hannah. I had her eyes closed when we pulled into the parking of Kids concepts. I walked her towards the door with her eyes closed and opened her eyes just at the door. Her face lit up and as usual, she was super excited!!
We took this picture just before leaving. Hannah is putting horns on Sita's head.
That was her last birthday with all of us!

Best friends

2008-10-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sita, Hannah's best friend with Hannah eating 'Icee' after school, in the back of my car.Hannah had a special place for Sita in her heart. She clicked on with Sita, from the day one of Kindergarten. She did not like Sita playing with anyone other than her. Hannah loved climbing 'monkey bars'. Sita did not enjoy this 'sport' as much. One time I asked Hannah, "What does Sita do,when you climb monkey bars?" To which she responded, "oh, I just let her play with the 'other girls' ". I have tried to teach her the importance of associating with all the kids and not just stick to one person alone. She did not seem to understand this concept. To her, Sita was her best friend and no matter what, they were going to be "friends for ever."

"Matching with chechi"

2008-10-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Hannah posing with Abigail for a picture, right after a shower. Hannah picked same color pajama for her as the baby's. She loved to match colors with her baby sister.

Gloriously in love!

2008-10-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

This is a moment I captured when Abigail was rasing her head and Hannah playing with her. I love this picture because it so depicts the love that Hannah had for her baby sister.

Hannah's love for a sibling was so genuine and endless. She longed for a baby sister of her own. I remember showing her the ultrasound picture when we were 13 weeks along and Hannah exclaiming, "What,.. I have a baby sister?". We had never told Hannah about the pregnancy up until that point. I remember her, praying for a sibling, EVERY night even before the baby was conceived. Hannah rejoiced when the baby was born and I never faced any sibling rivalry at any time. She was my helper, helping me by getting the changing table ready with a diaper opened and the wipes ready to go. She would also boss me, if i forgot to close the lid of the wipes box. When it was time to give baby a bath, Hannah would get her towel, get a new onesie ready and get the tub ready. Once I was so touched by the way she arranged everything, I gave her a special reward for doing it so profesionally. There were also days when Hannah would be so cranky and wouldn't do a thing. But those days were few and I knew she would help me when I told her I needed my helper. Thats what I miss now. Hannah is not around anymore to help me or to play with the baby. It hurts to know what Abigail is missing yet she does not know what she is missing!!

Can I feed the baby?

2008-10-06T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hannah is seen, feeding her baby sister. We had just started her on rice cereal and Hannah was very excited about her baby sisters new diet.

Mrs.O' Keefe

2008-10-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

Hannah is dressed as Georgia O' Keefe, the artist, on famous American day at her school. We continued to call her Mrs. O' Keefe even after that day. Hannah would squeal " STOP IT, I don't like that" when ever we made fun of her.

An emabarassing moment!

2008-10-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Keenan, pulling Hannah up from her knees, when she fell on her Graduation day.

Down the aisle, so gracefully!

2008-10-06T12:53:00.000-07:00

Hannah is ready to walk down the aisle on her graduation and Mrs. Ashby is giving her last minute instructions. Hannah is full of smile and is ready for her walk. Later, at home she told me, " Amma I never want to do that again". Hannah always hated to be on the spotlight. She is shy, by nature. But she is equally competitive. She wanted to win, without being in the spotlight. She felt embarrassed when people congratulated her, on her achievements. I was working hard on getting her to say 'thank you' when somebody went out of their way to appreciate her.

when it was time for her to receive her diploma from the Principal, Hannah took a giant leap down from the stage and sure enough, she fell on her knees, right in front of Mrs.Keenan, her Principal. Mrs. Keenan gracefully pulled her up on her feet and handed the diploma to her. Walking down the aisle, Hannah was tearing up and did not give us her face, for the camera. She was truly embarrassed and somehow wanted to be done with it. The children after receiving their diplomas, lined up behind, and took their seats. I couldn't see Hannah from where I was sitting, and knew in my heart, something was wrong. I had this strange ability to pick up the mood of Hannah when she was emotionally disturbed. When nobody in our family could understand her, many times I understood the reason why she was frustrated or upset. I thank God for that ability that helped me 'into her heart' many times. So that day, I walked past the audience and made my way to where the kids were lined up and looked for Hannah. Not surprisingly, I found her in a corner turned away from the other kids and silently sobbing! My heart broke for a moment to see Hannah crying on such an important day. I quickly went near her and hugged her and comforted her. I told her it was OK and put her baby sister on her lap. I knew once the baby is on her lap, she will forget everything else. In a minute, Hannah became joyful and started playing again. I will never forget that sight of Hannah silently sobbing in the corner. It didn't need her anytime to tear up. We always wondered why her lacrimal glands were so active!!Sometimes I thought, she loved crying. From her babyhood crying was something she loved doing!As a baby, she stirred up the neighborhood on many occasions. I wonder, how she can survive in a land where there are no tears! I am assured, the Lord himself will wipe away all her tears. No more frustrations, no more pain, no more sorrows, no more tears,... in Heaven!.

slide show of Hannah[ presented on her homegoing service]

2008-10-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

When viewing this, please go to the bottom of the page and you will find an application with music, press pause or off there, so there is no two musics played at the same time.

My Graduate!!

2008-10-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

This was taken a month before Hannah went to be with her Lord. As a mother I had taught Hannah a lot of things, from letters and numbers to scrpitures, etiquettes and morality. Though this graduation gives her a certificate on readiness for 1st grade, she was getting ready for much better things. How I wish, I knew through a dream or a vision at that point, that I would have her around for only one more month!!!Like my husband said, if I had known, I would have always tried to protect her and not enjoyed her. And she would have gone anyway.

Now, she has outlearned anyone here. What I started off as education and knowledge, my Lord has brought into perfection. She is perfected now. Bible says,when you see him, you shall be like him. Hannah is in glory now just like her Lord.

Hannah-9 days old

2008-09-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

Hannah Jokes!!

2008-09-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

When Hannah was about three years old, I told her about the crucifixion. I told her how Jesus was hung on the cross and how he died for her sins and how much he loved her... Then just to make it dramatic I said, "Hannah, When Jesus was dying on the cross, he cried, 'Hannah... I love you'!" Hannah almost stopped me instantly and said "No Mommy". I was puzzled and asked her why, and this is what she responded- "When Jesus died on the cross, he cried "Hannah... Help me!!"

2008-09-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

Proud sister!!

2008-09-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

Story or Future?

2008-09-25T16:45:00.000-07:00

This is a very significant story Hannah wrote few weeks before her home going. This puzzled everyone who saw it. She talks about a girl named Abigail who loved the park and asked her parents to take her to the park. Then she goes on to say " There was one thing that was danger for her." When Hannah wrote this story I was quite amused at the ending and wanted to know what the danger was. So I asked her to complete the story. She had been working for sometime and wanted to do something else. She reluctantly agreed and took the pencil to write the next sentence. She wrote "There" and left that work undone. Hannah loved going to the park. One of the rewards for her, was always a trip to the park. I remember, once I had promised to take her to the park but I was very tired at the end of the day and wanted to rest. Hannah kept on 'claiming her promise', until I decided to change my mind and take her. As we walked to the park, she was affectionate towards me and started rubbing my hands and shoulders and said " Amma, are u tired? Can you walk? Its OK Amma, we will reach there soon."
On the way to her school is the Columbia park. She had never been there. Every time we drove to school, she would ask me," Amma, can you take me to this park, one day?" That day, on July 23rd, I requested off from work and was all excited to have a picnic with Hannah at the Columbia park. I never knew 'there was a danger for her' waiting us on that day.

"Moving"

2008-09-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

This is another work Hannah did, during this summer. I like this one, because she is bidding good bye to her room, her swing set, her friends... and then the text says "I do not want to go."

The next paragraph brags about her new house and at the end it says " I am glad to be here."

What a truth this is to all of us here!!. When we are here, we do not want to go to our new home in heaven. But I am sure once we reach heaven, we will all say, "I am glad to be here!!" To leave her friends, was what she found bad about moving. To the question " what do you think is good about moving?" she says " Because we have a new home"

Hannah wrote all this without any help from me. We were planning to move from our present home and had booked a new home, some time back. Hannah was looking forward to move to this new home. Everything she wrote in this text was about moving to her new home. She was looking forward to moving. But her heavenly Father was building another home for her. She would never have wanted to move from here, had she known this. But I know for sure she must be saying now, " I am glad to be here." And must be waiting in eager expectation for all of us to get there.

"4 people in this family"

2008-09-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hannah had a tough time understanding the concept of family. She would say " We are four families." instead of saying " there are 4 people in our family." Her dad explained to her many times but she would repeat the same mistake. Finally Hannah understood this concept and this picture tells me that Hannah knew that there were 4 people in our family.

It is interesting to note that Hannah drew glasses on her Dad's face.

2008-09-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

This was written by Hannah on 7/23/08. She wrote it under my 'To-do list'. Hannah was very happy to learn that I was taking her to the park. Out of her joy, she grabbed my pencil and wrote this thank you note. When I look at it now, I wonder if she was thanking me for the 6 years she spend with us. Though she thanked me in advance for the picnic I planned for her, she never made it to the park that morning.

Last family picture with Hannah.

2008-09-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

Angel.

2008-09-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

This Pic was taken on Christmas last year. Hannah was selected as an Angel for the Christmas play along with her best friend Sita. She loved being an angel. Surely she must be walking with angels now!

On Abigail's dedication.

2008-09-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

Hannah's letter.

2008-09-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

This is a very recent letter that Hannah wrote to me. The beauty of this letter is that it was written out of an instant emotion. Hannah was very cranky that day along with her baby sister. The reason Hannah was angry was because she was hungry. We had been gone shopping and didn't have enoughtime to stop by one more store to buy Hannah's swim cap. when we returned both kids were cranky. I managed to get Hannah some chicken nuggets to eat and then wrote a letter to her, apologising for not buying her the swim cap that she was looking forward to, that day. Hannah read my letter with excitement and then wrote this reply to me.

The important thing about us.

2008-09-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

On July 23 rd morning, I gave Hannah some work to do before heading to the park with her. I gave her instructions on how to do the poem. The topic was ' The important thing about Neighbors'. Hannah did not write anything about neighbors, but what she wrote bring tears to our eyes. She starts off with how she likes to see her baby sister smile! Then as if to reassure everyone, her last poem was a love note to her Amma, Appa, Juju,Appacha and Ammachi. [Mom, Dad,Sister, Grandpa and Grandma]. At the end she wrote

"But the important thing about us is that we are moving."
In a few hours after writing this poem Hannah was certainly "moved".She was moved from her earthly tent to a better place. When we returned from the hospital that day after Hannah passed away, her pencil was still inside this book, all her books on the table, the cloring set under the table.. everything was intact... except she was "moved...."

Honest Hannah.

2008-09-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

This is the first award Hannah got in school. They have 'Spirit and Honor' assembly every once a month and children are given awards based on character trait, student of the month and christian witness. Hannah got her first award for character trait and the trait Mrs.Ashby found in her was 'honesty.' I was very proud of her when she got this award. The way it is done, it is a surprise for the kids but the parents are informed beforehand. That morning as I dressed Hannah for the school, I told her they were giving away awards and just as to see her response I told her "I wish, you get one too!." Hannah immediately told me, "You know what, I think I am going to get one today." When her name was called, she was very excited, she ran to the front and I thought, she didn't have enough face for her smile! Her eyes spotted me at the back of the assembly line, from there she used her gestures and blurted out, "I told you, I told you, I told you I was going to get it." And I gestured back to her, OK,OK!. That night we celebrated. I don't remember how, but we were very happy as a family because that was her first award.

Birthday wish, last wish.

2008-09-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

Hannah celebrated her sixth birthday, hardly two months before her home going. I had asked her to give me a list of things she needed as gifts. She told me she wanted a purse and lot of 'make-ups' in it. We celebrated her birthday with Tres Leches cake and lots of gifts. Her grandparents bought her a dress, my mother send her a gift card, her best friend's mom gave her 'The littlest pet shop'.Laly aunty gave her books. She had two birthday celebrations. We celebrated with her friends at kid concepts U.S.A and at home with cake and gifts. I bought her a pink purse and filled it with goodies like nail polish, body spray, lip gloss, a pair of stockings, 3 bracelets. I also bought her a book- ' Because God gave us you'. Hannah was very excited about her gifts. She also loved the book. She made me read the book many times. It is the story of a Mama bear telling her little cub how excited she was from the time she conceived the Little cub and the Mama bear affirms her joy of having the little cub, by saying over and over again "because God gave us you." When the story closes the Mama bear tells the cub, " I wouldn't trade you for the world, because God gave us you." Hannah seemed to like that very much. That night when I put her to bed, she hugged me and said, " Amma, I wouldn't trade you for the world." I smiled and told her, "Hannah I wouldn't trade you for the world, because God gave us you."

2008-09-06T23:03:00.000-07:00

Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God...

2008-09-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

The above title is a verse from the bible. Hebrews 11: 16. Though I had read this verse and seen it before, this verse ministered to me so powerfully during Hannah's home going. Our Pastor based his sermon on this verse during one of those days.

As Christians we are so focused on the blessings of God. When trials happen, we forget to see the hand of God in it. We cannot understand how God could allow it or how God would be glorified in it. We like to portray our God as a God who blesses. Sure, God is a God who blesses. For reasons we cannot understand he also allows trials and persecutions in the lives of his children. Hebrews 11 is called the 'Hall of Faith'. This chapter talks about the heroes of faith. It talks about mighty things the great men of God did by faith. Interestingly, it also talks about these things.
verse 35-
There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless—the world didn't deserve them!—making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world.

Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours

These are the ones who never received the promise. Yet, they lived in faith and died in faith. Now this is the BEST PART. Verse 16 that says, Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. Now, I want to shout aloud to those people who make God a vending machine for blessings, and tell them, faith is not just claiming and receiving. Real faith is when having lost all, you sing, " it is well with my soul.." Real faith is, unconditionally loving your Master, like my husband always says. Real faith is trusting God what ever comes your way. May God bless you with such faith.

One more day, to live.

2008-09-05T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am trying to recollect all the things we did with Hannah the day before she went to be with the Lord. It was a Tuesday and both of us were off from work. Since we were both off from work, we decided to visit some one, as we usually do. The first person to come to our mind was our Pastor since he was in the process of buying a new home. We called him up and sure enough his offer for the new home was accepted, and he was going to see the house that day. We told him we would be there too, to see his new home. So, off we departed as a family, to visit the Pastor and our other friends living in that area.

I do not remember anything about the hour long journey. She usually plays her CD and listens to it with her head phones, so I am assuming she did the same. She was very excited to go since our Pastor's son is her best friend and she knew she could play when parents tour the house. I remember her running ahead of me as we got out and then she was LOST. She was lost in her own world of fun with Anderson[9], her best friend and his younger brother Jaeden[2.5]. I had to warn them many times to slow down, lest they get hurt and to be quiet since the Realtor was present there discussing several things with the men. Once or twice I held Hannah tight as I usually do, when she escalates into a hyper state, and warned her to calm down. She would calm down for a moment and then go WILD again running and going in circles on the hardwood floor.

When it was time to leave, the kids were not done yet. As the parents spend time talking outside the house they continued to have fun. I asked Hannah to stand in the shade as she got out into the the drive way, because Hannah gets bad sun burn. In retrospective vision, I was protecting her even that last day from something so minor. Could I have even imagined what was to come the next day?

Then it was lunch time and refusing Laly aunty's invitation for a sandwich dinner [ sincerely we did not want to burden her with an un notified visit ], we headed to the Chinese place. After lunch, I asked to be dropped at Laly aunty's place to nurse the baby when the rest of the family headed to see the construction work of the new home we had booked.[ This was very close to Pastor's new home ] Hannah was quite upset with this decision. As I got out the car, she asked permission to get out with me. I told her she was to go with the rest of the family and then later join me here. She started to get upset and cried "But its not fair, Juju gets to go with you". The reason why I did not want her to go with me was because she would get so uncontrollable once with her friends. We saw Pastor Alex's car in the drive way and knew Anderson and Jaeden were there. So once I go to nurse the baby, Hannah would be by herself with her friends and knowing her hyper excited nature once around her friends, I couldn't let her go with me.

Later my husband told me, she was whining in the car and complained that she did not want to see the construction at Millbrook. As soon as my husband parked his car at Millbrook, Hannah was the first one to jump out so excited to study the construction. She had forgotten all about her melancholy. Later they went to see a model home and Hannah told her grandmother pointing to a particular room, " When we move, I want this room".

In less than an hour they joined me and then Hannah had the blast of her day with Anderson, Jaeden and Asha. They were all upstairs playing and having fun. When we were getting ready to leave, Hannah ran downstairs and asked me " Amma, can I go to the park with Asha?" I told her we were leaving now and that we were going to her friend Tanya's house. She was so excited to hear the name 'Tanya'. Tanya was another friend from church Hannah was very fond of. On the way to Tanya's home Hannah must have asked at least 5 times, " Appa, are we going to Tanya's house?" Later at Tanya's house, Hannah and Tanya were bouncing on their bed. Since it was their new home, and it was Hannah's first time there, Tanya was taking Hannah around and giving her a tour of the house. Just as we were about to pull out from Tanya's drive way, Hannah screamed, "Appa, roll the window down, roll the window down." My husband, when talking to someone has a bad ear for Hannah. He was busy talking to Tanya's Dad. I told him to roll down the window and Hannah screamed out to Tanya " Tanya, Asha said to say Hi to you."

The sun was setting and Hannah had finished all her work. She had conveyed even her last message and had nothing more to do.... She could now rest... She had played all day like there was no tomorrow, and there was no tomorrow for her........

Back home, at bed time, her father put her to bed. There was always a cuddling time after prayer. That night she told him the story of ' The Little Red Riding Hood'. I walked in during the story and gave her my hugs and kisses. Later her father said goodnight and walked away. He never knew that would be the last night he would tuck her in.... That night was her last night.... The next day she would go to a city where there are no nights or darkness. ...And God himself is the light of that city. A city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God......

2008-09-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

Hannah's Salvation Prayer.

2008-09-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

The highlight of Hannah's life and death and the funeral service was a little piece of paper. The content of this paper spoke volumes to the many who came to visit us. From the responses we receive even today, we understand it has touched many lives. It inspired some to re dedicate their lives to Christ, many young children received Jesus into their lives as their Pastor or parents read the content to them. Yet, some struggle as they see this little piece of paper.

I remember like yesterday the day Hannah took this sheet to write down the most, most powerful words she ever wrote. It was exactly one month from her home going. As the day unfolded, I found myself sharing with Hannah about heaven and the need to be born again to enter heaven. I asked her if she was sure she would go to heaven, she said " I don't know". I told her if she had received Jesus into her life, she could be sure about this. She asked me how she could receive Jesus. There, near the counter top, I narrated to her a prayer. My intention was to say it first and then have her say it and write in down. As I was saying the prayer, without any prompting, I believe, she ran to get a piece of white sheet. She asked me to say it again and started scribbling down these words. After she finished writing it, I told her to put the date down. I helped her with the date and then knelt down beside her and took her in my hands and told her, "Hannah, if you sincerely prayed this prayer, I want you to know that you are born again. You have invited Jesus to your heart today. He will never leave you and today your name is written in the book of heaven. When you die, you will surely go to heaven." I told her never to forget this day and asked her to keep this in her Bible at all times. I also asked her to show it to her Dad. She ran downstairs with it and beamed with joy at her new creation. Her father in the midst of his work gave her a "proud of you!, look". I knew at that moment, her heavenly father must have marveled at her, His new creation!! God at that point must have known, Hannah was coming home exactly a month from that day.

I had told Hannah to keep this in her Bible. I saw Hannah intently reading this prayer couple of days after this incident. The next time I saw it, was when we went through her stuff the day after she died. I had forgotten about this incident and Hannah's grandmother reminded me about this prayer that she had written down. Together we went in search of this prayer and found it from her books. With trembling hands I opened it and read the prayer that once she prayed with me, there at the end was the date, 6/23/2008. At that moment without a shadow of doubt I knew God had orchestrated all the details of her very short life span for the glory of His name.

2008-09-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

Introduction.

2008-09-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

This blog is set up in memory of our daughter Hannah. [2002 - 2008]

Yes, you guessed it right, she was six years old when she left her earthly tent and went to be with her Lord. Her glorious home going is still something we are struggling with, in this side of eternity. Our puny little minds do not understand why God called her home so soon, so prematurely. Or was it even premature? On her funeral day many said, "Hannah lived a full life!" I do not claim to have all the pieces together. May be I never will. I wailed at the thought that this was the only incident in my life that is not reversible. This incident has shaken us and the people in our lives and we are amazed at the brevity of life. At the same time having experienced such catastrophe, we begin to understand there is only one way, just ONE WAY we can be together again.

Bible speaks of a beautiful reunion in 1 Thessalonians 4: 13-17

And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.
15-18And then this: We can tell you with complete confidence—we have the Master's word on it—that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they'll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God's trumpet blast! He'll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise—they'll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we'll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words.

So reassure one another with these words.......

This is the purpose of this blog. I intend to encourage my family members, friends, and those who have gone through these situations with the wonderful hope that only Jesus can give.

Oh ! what a glorious day that will be. Just the thought that we will all be united together one day in the air. Best of all, I did not attain this privilege because of anything I did. Or let me put it this way, nothing I did or could ever do, will attain me this privilege. But there was a God who sought a relationship with me. He was willing to do anything to get my friendship. Yet I was so unaware of this. I went on living my own life. I used to pray and ask God for "blessings". But that was it. I was not interested in any sort of relationships with this creator of mine. I thought of myself as a "good person" not involved in any taboos and was determined to make it with my good deeds.

But one day, I came to know the truth. The truth is your good deeds won't take you to heaven.[Isiah 64:6] The truth is none of us are good enough to stand before this God ]Romans 3;10]. The truth is you don't have to do anything to attain his favor. He did it all!! The truth is God send his son and bore the punishment for your sins. He died in your place. John 3;16 says, God loved the world so much that he send his son, So that whoever believes in Jesus shall have eternal life. This my friend is the reason for my hope.

Having said that, Let me make it clear.

The purpose of this blog is not to debate or have various theological arguments. This is purely a memorial for Hannah. After Hannah's passing away , my memory loss has heightened and now I am beginning to forget many wonderful times that we together had with Hannah. So let this blog be a journey with Hannah. Let it be a timeline of Hannah's life span. A place to carve all the beauty of a life well lived. To re-live those memories and cherish her all over again. To capture those fading imprints that she gracefully left behind and to be able to etch them in the minds of my family one more time....