In the pursuit of His glory

Let me start of by apologising for lack of posts these days. Abigail transitioned from 2 naps a day to single nap which gives mom just enough time to catch up with the bare essentials of life. So blogging has been on the back burner for all these days. While I was away, I had been thinking much about writing a post on pursuit.

Any one who has received a mail from me in the recent past must have come across this signature "in the pursuit of His glory". This is something that has been in my mind for quite some time now. I have meditated much on this little phrase. At one point I even re dedicated my life for this pursuit. This is how I want to live. Everything I do, must be counted towards His glory. All the trials and difficulties must manifest His glory. Every desire must be delightful and God honoring and bring much glory to God. My life should center around his throne in the pursuit of his glory.

I even found a verse that echoes with this desire of mine. It is Isiah 26;8

The desire of our soul is for Your name
And for the remembrance of You.

When my life is summed up, I want everyone to remember that it was a life spend in the pursuit of His glory. When I lie in my coffin (unless I am taken away in rapture) I want to reflect glory to God. I wish my head stone would read ( If I have one) "In the pursuit of His glory".

There is nothing more worthy than living your life for the glory of God and counting it all joy what ever we endure.

Dear Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Today, its six months since I saw you last. I can't believe its been half a year yet it seems like ages. Your sister is already a year old, something you wanted to celebrate much. We celebrated her birthday just like you dreamed when you were here, with balloons at your cousin's place. We have never heard "Appa" "Amma" since you went. But couple of days back your little sister has started calling us both, "Appa" and "Amma" again. It has brought such joy to us more than we can explain. She also says "chechi" when she looks at your pictures. I know you would have been so proud and over joyed yourself to hear it. We miss you everyday and though God had caused the pain to lessen, we still yearn and long to be together again with you. Love you much,

Your Amma.

Grief is undeniable

I read somewhere that grief is undeniable but misery is an option. This I found to be very true. What ever way you exhibit it, be it denial or bargain or depression, we all go through a little bit of all the grief reactions. But at the same time, there is a percentage of people who choose to be miserable over the loss. I think grieving with hope is the key not to grieve with misery.

Grief in itself is hard to take. Who wants to add misery to it? So please know that there is hope in grieving and that is what this blog is all about.

"...Nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish"

During and after the days of Hannah's passing, I have had people ask me different questions. Some wanted to know why I did not cry and others asked me if it was post traumatic shock or God's strength/ peace that held me together. To be honest, I did not know at that time what held me together because that was my first experience with a loss of such magnitude. Even now my peace amazes me!

But, I know one thing. It is time for any shock, any numbness to slowly give way to an underlying flood of emotions or an overwhelming grief reaction to surge in and break me down. But thank God that has not happened. So I strongly believe I was not in shock. Without neglecting the grief process on one hand and undermining the peace that God gives (which is peace that passes all understanding) I want to derive at some conclusions as to what holds me together, which I think might encourage some of you.

• I loved God more that I loved Hannah
• I believe God does not make any mistakes.
• I believe the steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord and so everything that happens to me is within the knowledge of my God.
• I am contended with my Masters decisions in my life
• I believe Psalms 119:68 Lord you are good and what you do is good.

Now, you may ask what is so good about losing your loved one, your first born, the apple of your eye..? In all humility my answer is I do not know all the details but here's what I know...

• In my makers wisdom it seemed good to Him to call Hannah home
• It seemed good to him that I buy gold refined in fire( an illustration in the bible referring to trials) that I become rich ( rich towards Him)
• It seemed good to him that I be wounded and faithfully afflicted so He could heal me.
• It seemed good to Him that this way, I would look forward to his coming
• It seemed good to Him that I would learn some lessons in the school of sorrow for His glory.

What ever it is I have hope when I grieve. Do you? Do you know the one in whom my hope rests? My hope rest on a person. His name is Jesus. He died for my sins. God raised him from the dead. He is coming back again. I look forward to His coming when I can go with Him and see Hannah one day. Like the bible says in Psalms 9:18

But the needy will not always be forgotten ,

nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

Sorry to keep you waiting. This is what was inside the silver cup. I was truly blessed to know that she loved worshipping the Lord which she must be doing now!! I was also blessed to know that God helped her the week before she passed away. I still do not understand how the third question applies. But, someday I will.

A Christmas gift left by Hannah

The week before Hannah passed away, she was attending VBS at the Calvary Chapel, South bay. On the last day I believe, she came home with a foil wrapped paper cup with a smiley face named Jesus going into the cup right through the middle of it. She kept it on the table and told us " This has to be opened only on Christmas day." It has been sitting there since then. After Hannah passed away we have all been taking guesses as to what it is. It might be something that Hannah wrote or some craft she did at the VBS or some ornament she made....or maybe even, there is nothing in it! On the side of the cup there is a sticker that says " I am a new creation" and on the top of the verse is a typed verse " I want to know Christ and the power of his Resurrection" signed Hannah. Anyways, I am counting days to see what Hannah has left for us this Christmas.
Who wants to take a guess? Nimmy..?

Painful Season

I have had many of my friends and loved ones ask me, " Is it difficult for you this time of the year?" or " How are you coping with your loss, in this season?" I had thought about it much. For me losing Hannah and living with that loss is the same pretty much everyday. But I also understand that the celebrations of the season makes it hard for people who have had losses. They are not in the mood to celebrate but they see everyone but them, enjoying. They look at every family that is intact and think, Why just us?

I went through such an emotional war last week. I was eating breakfast by myself and I cried out to the Lord, " Lord, this accident that happened is so ugly. You could have called her home many other ways. I am always going to carry this ugly memories all my life, there is nothing good about this, Lord. Even after many years, when people look at it they are going to shudder. How are you ever going to glorify your name through this ugly accident Lord?" As Faithful as my Lord is, He met me at the breakfast table in a wonderful way that I think is worthy of mentioning in this blog. He said " My child, Look to the cross, it is even uglier than this. When my son died (for you), he was marred beyond recognition. There was nothing desirable about him. When he who created the universe hung upon that Roman cross, When he who knew no sin, took upon the sins of the world, When it was a curse to be hanging on a tree, yet when he took your curses, my child, it was uglier still. It was so ugly that I couldn't look at it. But that ugly thing, the Roman cross is the crux of the christian faith. Without that cross, there would have been no forgiveness of sins. My child, I am talking to you today only because of that cross. You ask me how I glorify my name through this, my child, I always use the foolish things of this world, the despised things, things that are not worthy to glorify my name."

So today if you have a despised thing, an ugly incident, give it to my Potters hand. He has been mending many specks and spots through the ages. I quote Corrie ten boom who said "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." So with the merriment and the joy this season brings, I am going to trust a father who once lost His son(Yes, to the Roman cross) and spend time with Him, knowing Him more.