Happy Birthday Hannah

At The ER

“She is no more…She is with the Lord!” The words that came out of my mouth must have sounded like rocks hammering away on a failing heart. Those words ripped my husband’s heart apart. Blood oozed away from the periphery of his body and he became pale like a dead man. He opened his mouth to say something, but mumbled something and nodded his head in disbelief.

Attempting to bridge the gap between reality and disbelief, he shook his hands away from mine and asked, “They couldn’t do anything to save her?” “No”, I nodded, trying to be composed, and accepting the tragedy of my daughter’s body pronounced dead a few minutes ago, by the chief of the Pediatric Trauma ER.

This Was Not My Idea Of Life

“Mom, why do you go for work? Why can’t you stay home with me?” She asked me from under her covers, her muffled voice directed at me, as she was just waking up, one morning. I was already up and making preparations for the day. I had written down Hannah’s schedule for the day, handed it to her grandparents to follow through, made sure the baby had enough milk thawed out for the day and was heading to the transitional care center, where I worked as a Physical Therapist.

The day was packed. Six hours at work, come back, nurse the baby, take Hannah to the library, take the grandparents out for grocery shopping, dinner plans…My mind was already shutting down at the pace of our life. But, this was America. The land of opportunity. “Need not think more, everybody does it and still survives! Just go on with the rat race of building our lives.” I comforted myself. I was just not sure, if God had called me to do the same thing everybody was doing around me.

“You stayed home all day for so many days when the baby was born, why not now? Please can you take me to the park today? “Hannah’s pleas were further complicating my clouded mind. This was not my idea of life. I was sucked into so much activity and did not have the time or energy to invest in what was most important, serving my husband and building our children.

Determined to bring a change, I looked at Hannah and nodded at her. I walked to the next room, picked up the phone and called the clinic where I worked, requesting for a day off, if their schedule allowed. The supervisor did not think so. My heart sank. I walked back into the room, wanting to console Hannah, but the phone rang. This time my Supervisor thought she could tweak the schedule a bit, so I could stay home. Hannah was excited as she learned about the prospect of a picnic with her mother and all the fun she was going to have with me!

God is Sovereign

I felt a thud, lost control over the steering and the car swirled, I felt like I was in a high speed carousel swaying me, only, it was tragic! Was my foot on the gas or brakes? Or did I leave all control and let the event take its course? Nothing I did could stop the swirling. I was on a trajectory! I turned my gaze over to the back seat in the midst of all this commotion. There was Hannah … with her eyes closed...so graceful! I knew she was gone. It had only been 2-3 seconds, but it felt like eternity for me to get to the back seat.

I managed to make some phone calls, do some resuscitation on her, scream at the top of my lungs for help, ran like a mad dog between the car and the street, not wanting to stop resuscitation, but wanting more help . I remember the truck driver calling 911 and then joining me in the back seat as I was screaming and calling on God to revive her, while my hands pushed up and down on her little chest. He prayed with me as I called on the top of my voice, “God have mercy and revive her.”

In a few minutes, I was sitting by a social worker in the pediatric trauma ER of Harbor-UCLA. She was sent there to prepare me for a possible shock and help me cope with the possible death of my daughter. I knew what was coming up. My brokenness had already set in. I embraced the sovereignty of God in one hand and the plea for mercy on the other. I bargained, I pleaded, and I cried, I promised, all the while my heart sensing vanity. My knowledge of the most Holy made me know that He was a sovereign God and He knew what He was doing. A few minutes ago, in the van, with the paramedics intubating her, I gave her over to God to do what seemed best to Him. The knowledge that He is sovereign, translated as peace that He will also sustain. As soon as I stepped into the ER, there was peace that He was in control.

In between the lines, tubes, the doctors, the nurses all the commotion and noise, I saw her…so graceful yet so unresponsive. The chief asked me, if I wanted to hold her hand while still alive (medically) before they pronounced her dead. I held her hand with the knowledge of the Most Holy sustaining me at perfect peace. A friend from church, Anita, who happened to be one of the nurses resuscitating Hannah held me tight and cried over my shoulders, as I took Hannah’s lifeless hands and cried out to God, “ God have mercy on me, be merciful to me and raise her Father, in your Son’s name I pray, Amen.” Nothing happened. I saw the eyes of the nurses and doctors tearing up, as they took off their gloves, wiped their eyes and patted my shoulders or hugged me to console me. They had called off the resuscitation and pronounced her dead.

That day I prayed to God in the name of Jesus whom I had trusted since I was 14 years old. A friend had the guts to walk up to me during recess and ask me if I knew Jesus. She shared the joy of her life with me. I did not have to think twice. I was aware of the vacuum in my life. Growing up in a home with an alcoholic father and a mother who tried to patch up in whatever way she knew, I was a problem kid with a scar. A scar, that resulted from being misunderstood, and unloved. When I heard the gospel that day, I knew only He could heal my broken heart. I heard I was created in Him before the foundations of the world and that He had a purpose for me. As a fourteen year old girl my life was changed radically. My folks thought I was insane and assured themselves this was just another passing season of my life. Many seasons have come and gone, knowing Jesus was never a passing season in my life. After nearly two decades, Jesus continues to be my stronghold, and my commitment and love for Him has only grown since.

At every crossroads, God appointed mentors for me. My friend’s mother who showed me, that there is another way to live life, the one that is lived in obedience to His Holy Spirit, for His purpose. Life in our home was centered on verbal abuses, harsh language, tip toing around the insanity of alcoholism, fearful of abandonment, insecure from unjust blames and guilt. That day Jesus began lifting those burdens and patterns and clothing me with a new nature. A new nature, that He will finish weaving, and grant to me when I lay aside my “tent” and see Him face to face.

God led me to place far from home for college education. There I learned the first lessons of standing alone for God and not following the crowd. I took quite a few punches of oppression as I was singled out as a “Jesus freak” and “not so cool.”

In time, God blessed me with a God fearing man. His home was so much different than mine. The parents loved their children selflessly. The mother was sacrificial and submissive. I am blessed to be part of a family that knows God, worships God and lives to glorify God. My husband had a different childhood than mine.

In his own words he says,” I was raised with good morals and values. As I grew up I found myself as the obedient son, always doing the right things and getting the right grades. My brother shared the gospel with me and put me in a bible believing church as I left my parents in Dubai and came down to Kerala for my college education. As I started attending that church, the truth of the gospel helped me examine my heart. I discovered that “self” was on the throne of my life and I was living for my purposes. I was not aware of a Maker who made me to fulfill His purposes in my life.

The scriptures taught me that my good deeds were like filthy rags before God and that I was sinful even with my “ best obedience and best grades” All I could do was cry out to God to save me from the death that I would face, because the bible says the wages of sin is death. God was merciful to forgive me my sins and accept me as his son because His Son died for me and paid the penalty for my sins. “

Together we have walked quite a decade as partakers of this grace of life. We know God has a purpose in our marriage. We have gone through some real trials in our marriage and lives. We have seen lives been born and die. Yet, we do not exalt the death of our child, but we exalt the death of Jesus. The death of our child cannot save anyone, but the death of Jesus can.

A Counter Cultural Vision

Our focus is on displaying the beauty of God through our marriage. God chose the example of marriage to show the relationship of His son to the church. It is lofty in His eyes, so we take this institution seriously. God has also put in our hearts, a counter cultural vision of seeking His name and doing what pleases Him as we live for His glory.

(This picture was taken on her 6th birthday)

Today we celebrate Hannah's 10th birthday in her absence. There would have been balloons and presents, had she been with us today. She would have grown up some more...There is pain when I think of her growth and what she would have been to all her siblings. I accept God's sovereignty. Our lives have changed tremendously since God has allowed this in our life. He has made us ministers of His hope and grace to many. I yield my life to Him knowing its is His and He will bring beauty out of ashes

Come over and Join me

I have been thinking of writing and sharing what the Lord has taught me for sometime now. I did not find it suitable to continue on this blog because I started this with another purpose. This blog is a memorial for Hannah. Some time later, I would like to wrap it up and and make it into a book. For now, I'll just leave it open and come back here if I wanted to share anything regarding Hannah.

Mean while I started another blog. It is more of journaling and sharing whatever the Lord has been teaching me. I hope it will be an encouragement to you. You can go there by clicking  here . Thank you for being a part of my grieving journey.

A cake that never saw 8 candles.

Dear Hannah,

With feelings of pain mixed with hope we celebrate your birthday. Celebrating your birthday is different in your absence. Do we celebrate or do we mourn? Do we sing or do we cry? I do not know my child, but I know we have a common place where our hearts are united in hope. And that is in the presence of our Lord.

When the birthday reminder that was set on my phone beeped today, I did not know what to do. I lifted my heart to my God and tearfully remembered what it would have been if you were here. Your position as an older sister is still open but never to be filled or taken by anyone. Down here on this earth, we are bound by time and space. So for us time translates to years and ages. we age and we grow. But I remember how different it is in heaven. Heaven is not bound by time or space. There is no aging and so there might not be birthdays. But I know only to live as a human and in my human understanding I celebrate your 8th birthday.

May God's name be glorified in that cake that never saw 8 candles.
May God's name be glorified in the balloons that were never blown for you this year.
May God's name be glorified in the toys that were never bought and the fun that we never had together celebrating you and singing over you.
May God's name be glorified in the absence of my firstborn.
May God's name be glorified when you did not go to second grade,but all your friends did.
May God's name be glorified in the wound that surfaces every year as your memories washes it to the shore.
May God's name be glorified in and through our lives in your absence and in all the pain and tears and may the purpose for which God allowed it take completion in every way.

The desire of our soul O Lord, is for your name and for the remembrance of You.

Mother or Not

Motherhood- not to be in the checklist

Born into a world where reckoning comes through measurable standards, we have been exposed since childhood to a checklist that we have all adopted and checking through to our final goal. From infant mile stones through educational school system we are being checked off as we hurdle one milestone after another. This measurable standard creeps into adulthood takes us through marriage, job, and house and now into motherhood/fatherhood. While innocent in itself, adopted as a goal or a focus, this checklist leaves no room for the sovereignty of God. From Sarah to Elizabeth the bible is full of characters where Gods sovereignty intervened to pause man and to glorify His name through waiting upon God and to find man’s ultimate purpose apart from the man made check list. When the check list dictated woman to become a mother by so and so age, Gods sovereignty sometimes painfully intervenes to put the spotlight on God and seems to be saying, “I have an agenda that I have been gently leading you to which is greater than the checklist that has been imposed on you by the culture.” God’s agenda understands the pain of a barren womb as it recognizes it as one of the three things that cannot be satisfied as mentioned in Proverbs: 30:16 Yet, God’s agenda has the potential to gloriously turn that around for His glory, only and only if surrendered to the maker’s hand. It bids us to bravely say, I will not adopt the eyes of the world to dictate the progress of my life rather I would adopt my Maker’s vision to fulfill His purpose in my life. Oh! What glory is conceived in a barren womb and what life is brought forth when it is united with its Maker’s purpose.

Motherhood – not your security

We need security because we are insecure people. Apart from God, we do not have any self worth. Being a mother should not increase your self worth, neither does, not being a mother decreases your self worth either. Insecurity is a heart issue. God has the answer to all our heart issues. Many times insecurity takes the subtle form of materialism, work holism, self centeredness, critical spirit etc. You cannot fill your heart issue with any of these things. Position, power and riches shouldn’t give us something we feel we are missing, when what we are truly missing is finding our worth and value in the Lord.
When whatever we are finding our worth in goes away, we will once again be left empty, hopeless and devastated. You cannot find your worth in being a mother because your children do not exist nor were they created to increase your self esteem. That is not the purpose of their life. They do not exist to make you feel good about yourself.
On the other hand, if you have never nurtured a child, do not think you would have been secure, had you given birth. Regardless, if you choose to believe so, it is a lie and you live your entire life trying to find your worth in something other than the Lord. What you need is not self esteem, it is God esteem. Mother or not, strive for Christ esteem which is well worth a pursuit.

Motherhood- not your identity

Walking by the baby aisle at Walmart, rarely someone pass by without noticing the receiving blankets, fuzzy fur toys, bibs, bottles and the teeny tiny baby shoes. It instills the memories of new born bonding days, smell of a cuddly baby and warmth of a snuggling infant. Our culture has brought motherhood down to baby blankets, rocking chairs, teddy bears, rattles and perhaps a stork sign that displays a just delivered infant bundle. Motherhood goes beyond the stork, the rattles and the baby Einstein. You are in charge of a soul that is destined for eternity. Someone said, motherhood is God’s custom designed fire. Here you learn to let go, surrender, to let God have His way. Motherhood is not an identity to uphold or crave. It is a stewardship entrusted to us and for a season. It involves training little hearts and teaching them the ways of the Lord. It is better to build little people than to repair big people. We need to instill in them a desire for godliness and His kingdom and we need to do all this without our hearts becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. I have to guard my heart constantly with regards to my children and know that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away and that if they exist they do so for the glory of God. So let us not see motherhood as our identity, rather, as a stewardship.

Mother? Swim upstream.

I have heard the story of salmon fish swimming upstream to lay eggs. She swims against the current to give birth and shortly after that the salmon dies. There has never been the need for mothers to swim upstream against the culture and the world than now. If only mothers would realize that parenting is more than providing. It requires falling on the Lords arms more than once crying for wisdom and understanding. Like a salmon, I need to do all there is to equip them for godly life and then slowly fade away from the stage of life. When a mother chooses to nurture her children for the Lord and everything that she does seems insignificant at the time, mundane at best, remember the old proverbial rhyme,
“For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail “

May the kingdom of God never be at loss for the want of a godly mother.

Not a mother? Seize the opportunity of a life time

Tears that well up while holding a test with one line, hope that rises and crashes to the ground like a cycle month after month, empty hands and empty cradles, frustration and anger that God does not seem to be seeing, life that ebbs away without meaning… all makes us wonder, “ Is it all there is to life?”
No, this is not all there is to life, if the empty hand finds its way to the treasures of the Lord. The glorious riches He has for His saints. Do not substitute this vacuum with friends, do not substitute this vacuum with possessions, and do not substitute it with power. Realize that you have opportunities that others do not have. Mother or not, God has made a woman with potential and talents He can use for His glory. Mother or not, you are very much a woman made in His image and you exist to bring Him glory.
God can do glorious things with a life surrendered to Him and that is what brings meaning to life and not the package assigned to you in life. May we look beyond empty hands and empty cradles to a faithful Father who promised us that by His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory and excellence 2 Peter 1:3.

Motherhood is not about me!

I had been away for almost a year from the blogosphere. I thought of posting a lot of times but I had come to a place where there was nothing more to add, nothing more to say...

I started blogging to vent my feelings about Hannah and possibly to encourage someone else in their trials. I came to a point where I was completely at peace with my maker and there was no more venting. So this post is no venting... nothing about reflecting on our times with Hannah.

This is an update about what the Lord has been doing in our life.

My blog started on Sep 20 th 2008. Two months after Hannah passed away. Little did I know that time, a year from then I would be holding an infant in my hand. On Sep 21st 2009, Daniel was born. We had moved to a new home just 3 weeks before Daniel was born. Abigail is now the big sister, taking Hannah's place, in her absence. Abigail is 2 years and 4 months today and Daniel is 7 months today. Abigail knows Hannah very well and talks about Hannah gone to sleep and that she is with Jesus. I wish to train their hearts in the ways of our Lord and teach them His ways.

Just recently I heard from a godly lady about motherhood. she says,

"Here's what I beleive God wants all of us women to come to: Motherhood is not an image we are to uphold. We are not to make MOTHERHOOD (even Christian motherhood) our identity. We are not to possess our children for US. We need to raise them in the fear of the Lord without our own HEARTS becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. "

"Not to make motherhood as our identity"- now, that is mind blogging! I always thought, motherhood was my identity along with being a wife. It takes immense trust in God and denying my self to say I do not make motherhood my identity for selfish reason. My children do not exist to make me happy but for me to train them in the ways of the Lord. I have committed my life for this purpose. May God help me to do it well.

I thank my God for all these ways he is taking me through. May your name be glorified O Lord!

Because God gave us you....

Because God gave us you....

This was the title of the book we gifted Hannah 1 year ago on her 6 th birthday. As I look back I know I was affirming to her ( and to me) that God was the one who gave her to us and He had absolute authority over her life as well. Today,had she been here, she would have been seven.

Like I always say, God is good and what he does is good. In his wisdom it seemed good to Him to direct things this way.

We want to make it a tradition in our family to speak about Hannah and to think about her a lot on her birthday and teach our other children everything about her and what we have learned, as we went through this school of sorrow. We want to visit her cemetery and teach our children though her body lies there, she is with the Lord. We want to remind ourselves and teach our children that we will all see her one day that is, if they put their trust in Jesus Christ as their sister once did. We want to thank God for giving her to us and helping us raise her through our mistakes and wisdom and enabling us to be witnesses unto Him even in her death.

Because God gave us you, we will continue to love you...

Happy Birthday Hannah