About Me

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Disciple of Jesus Christ, saved by grace, pressing on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me (Phil 3:12). Blessed to be the crown of my husband and a steward of 3 children entrusted to us. I have the gift of today and hope of tomorrow. I am driven by the pursuit of His glory and maybe I have come to the kingdom for such a time as this (Esther 4:13)! As a family the desire of our soul is for His name and for the remembrance of Him.(Isaiah 26:8).

Monday, November 8, 2010

Come over and Join me

I have been thinking of writing and sharing what the Lord has taught me for sometime now. I did not find it suitable to continue on this blog because I started this with another purpose. This blog is a memorial for Hannah. Some time later, I would like to wrap it up and and make it into a book. For now, I'll just leave it open and come back here if I wanted to share anything regarding Hannah.

Mean while I started another blog. It is more of journaling and sharing whatever the Lord has been teaching me. I hope it will be an encouragement to you. You can go there by clicking  here . Thank you for being a part of my grieving journey.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Friday, May 28, 2010

A cake that never saw 8 candles.

Dear Hannah,

With feelings of pain mixed with hope we celebrate your birthday. Celebrating your birthday is different in your absence. Do we celebrate or do we mourn? Do we sing or do we cry? I do not know my child, but I know we have a common place where our hearts are united in hope. And that is in the presence of our Lord.

When the birthday reminder that was set on my phone beeped today, I did not know what to do. I lifted my heart to my God and tearfully remembered what it would have been if you were here. Your position as an older sister is still open but never to be filled or taken by anyone. Down here on this earth, we are bound by time and space. So for us time translates to years and ages. we age and we grow. But I remember how different it is in heaven. Heaven is not bound by time or space. There is no aging and so there might not be birthdays. But I know only to live as a human and in my human understanding I celebrate your 8th birthday.

May God's name be glorified in that cake that never saw 8 candles.
May God's name be glorified in the balloons that were never blown for you this year.
May God's name be glorified in the toys that were never bought and the fun that we never had together celebrating you and singing over you.
May God's name be glorified in the absence of my firstborn.
May God's name be glorified when you did not go to second grade,but all your friends did.
May God's name be glorified in the wound that surfaces every year as your memories washes it to the shore.
May God's name be glorified in and through our lives in your absence and in all the pain and tears and may the purpose for which God allowed it take completion in every way.

The desire of our soul O Lord, is for your name and for the remembrance of You.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mother or Not

Motherhood- not to be in the checklist

Born into a world where reckoning comes through measurable standards, we have been exposed since childhood to a checklist that we have all adopted and checking through to our final goal. From infant mile stones through educational school system we are being checked off as we hurdle one milestone after another. This measurable standard creeps into adulthood takes us through marriage, job, and house and now into motherhood/fatherhood. While innocent in itself, adopted as a goal or a focus, this checklist leaves no room for the sovereignty of God. From Sarah to Elizabeth the bible is full of characters where Gods sovereignty intervened to pause man and to glorify His name through waiting upon God and to find man’s ultimate purpose apart from the man made check list. When the check list dictated woman to become a mother by so and so age, Gods sovereignty sometimes painfully intervenes to put the spotlight on God and seems to be saying, “I have an agenda that I have been gently leading you to which is greater than the checklist that has been imposed on you by the culture.” God’s agenda understands the pain of a barren womb as it recognizes it as one of the three things that cannot be satisfied as mentioned in Proverbs: 30:16 Yet, God’s agenda has the potential to gloriously turn that around for His glory, only and only if surrendered to the maker’s hand. It bids us to bravely say, I will not adopt the eyes of the world to dictate the progress of my life rather I would adopt my Maker’s vision to fulfill His purpose in my life. Oh! What glory is conceived in a barren womb and what life is brought forth when it is united with its Maker’s purpose.

Motherhood – not your security

We need security because we are insecure people. Apart from God, we do not have any self worth. Being a mother should not increase your self worth, neither does, not being a mother decreases your self worth either. Insecurity is a heart issue. God has the answer to all our heart issues. Many times insecurity takes the subtle form of materialism, work holism, self centeredness, critical spirit etc. You cannot fill your heart issue with any of these things. Position, power and riches shouldn’t give us something we feel we are missing, when what we are truly missing is finding our worth and value in the Lord.
When whatever we are finding our worth in goes away, we will once again be left empty, hopeless and devastated. You cannot find your worth in being a mother because your children do not exist nor were they created to increase your self esteem. That is not the purpose of their life. They do not exist to make you feel good about yourself.
On the other hand, if you have never nurtured a child, do not think you would have been secure, had you given birth. Regardless, if you choose to believe so, it is a lie and you live your entire life trying to find your worth in something other than the Lord. What you need is not self esteem, it is God esteem. Mother or not, strive for Christ esteem which is well worth a pursuit.

Motherhood- not your identity

Walking by the baby aisle at Walmart, rarely someone pass by without noticing the receiving blankets, fuzzy fur toys, bibs, bottles and the teeny tiny baby shoes. It instills the memories of new born bonding days, smell of a cuddly baby and warmth of a snuggling infant. Our culture has brought motherhood down to baby blankets, rocking chairs, teddy bears, rattles and perhaps a stork sign that displays a just delivered infant bundle. Motherhood goes beyond the stork, the rattles and the baby Einstein. You are in charge of a soul that is destined for eternity. Someone said, motherhood is God’s custom designed fire. Here you learn to let go, surrender, to let God have His way. Motherhood is not an identity to uphold or crave. It is a stewardship entrusted to us and for a season. It involves training little hearts and teaching them the ways of the Lord. It is better to build little people than to repair big people. We need to instill in them a desire for godliness and His kingdom and we need to do all this without our hearts becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. I have to guard my heart constantly with regards to my children and know that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away and that if they exist they do so for the glory of God. So let us not see motherhood as our identity, rather, as a stewardship.

Mother? Swim upstream.

I have heard the story of salmon fish swimming upstream to lay eggs. She swims against the current to give birth and shortly after that the salmon dies. There has never been the need for mothers to swim upstream against the culture and the world than now. If only mothers would realize that parenting is more than providing. It requires falling on the Lords arms more than once crying for wisdom and understanding. Like a salmon, I need to do all there is to equip them for godly life and then slowly fade away from the stage of life. When a mother chooses to nurture her children for the Lord and everything that she does seems insignificant at the time, mundane at best, remember the old proverbial rhyme,
“For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail “

May the kingdom of God never be at loss for the want of a godly mother.

Not a mother? Seize the opportunity of a life time

Tears that well up while holding a test with one line, hope that rises and crashes to the ground like a cycle month after month, empty hands and empty cradles, frustration and anger that God does not seem to be seeing, life that ebbs away without meaning… all makes us wonder, “ Is it all there is to life?”
No, this is not all there is to life, if the empty hand finds its way to the treasures of the Lord. The glorious riches He has for His saints. Do not substitute this vacuum with friends, do not substitute this vacuum with possessions, and do not substitute it with power. Realize that you have opportunities that others do not have. Mother or not, God has made a woman with potential and talents He can use for His glory. Mother or not, you are very much a woman made in His image and you exist to bring Him glory.
God can do glorious things with a life surrendered to Him and that is what brings meaning to life and not the package assigned to you in life. May we look beyond empty hands and empty cradles to a faithful Father who promised us that by His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory and excellence 2 Peter 1:3.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Motherhood is not about me!

I had been away for almost a year from the blogosphere. I thought of posting a lot of times but I had come to a place where there was nothing more to add, nothing more to say...

I started blogging to vent my feelings about Hannah and possibly to encourage someone else in their trials. I came to a point where I was completely at peace with my maker and there was no more venting. So this post is no venting... nothing about reflecting on our times with Hannah.

This is an update about what the Lord has been doing in our life.

My blog started on Sep 20 th 2008. Two months after Hannah passed away. Little did I know that time, a year from then I would be holding an infant in my hand. On Sep 21st 2009, Daniel was born. We had moved to a new home just 3 weeks before Daniel was born. Abigail is now the big sister, taking Hannah's place, in her absence. Abigail is 2 years and 4 months today and Daniel is 7 months today. Abigail knows Hannah very well and talks about Hannah gone to sleep and that she is with Jesus. I wish to train their hearts in the ways of our Lord and teach them His ways.

Just recently I heard from a godly lady about motherhood. she says,

"Here's what I beleive God wants all of us women to come to: Motherhood is not an image we are to uphold. We are not to make MOTHERHOOD (even Christian motherhood) our identity. We are not to possess our children for US. We need to raise them in the fear of the Lord without our own HEARTS becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. "

"Not to make motherhood as our identity"- now, that is mind blogging! I always thought, motherhood was my identity along with being a wife. It takes immense trust in God and denying my self to say I do not make motherhood my identity for selfish reason. My children do not exist to make me happy but for me to train them in the ways of the Lord. I have committed my life for this purpose. May God help me to do it well.

I thank my God for all these ways he is taking me through. May your name be glorified O Lord!