Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I made this shadow box as a memorial for Hannah and now it is kept in our living room. It contains some of the precious things that Hannah loved and Hannah used. It also contains a lock of her hair that was given to me from the E.R of the hospital where she was pronounced dead. I shall go over each item here and explain its significance.
Birth announcement- This was on her bassinet on the day she was born. It was rather like an information tag for the hospital staff. It has my last name, her birth weight, her height, head circumference, date she was born, name of my doctor and medical group.
Birth picture- Hannah posing on my arms with her dad nearby,for her first picture with the entire labor "crew". The one in blue scrubs is my doctor.
Name HANNAH- Hannah wrote this with glitters at preschool with her teacher's help.
Pink Purse- Hannah had been asking me for a purse, for her 6th birthday. One of my gifts were this purse filled with make-up goodies. On July 23rd, the day she went to be with the Lord, just before we left home, I asked her if she had taken her library card, because we wanted to stop by the library to get some books. She said she did not have it. I had to help her get the purse down from the shelf. I was also trying to get her into the habit of carrying her purse and be responsible for it. So off we went that day and she had it in her lap the time she died... So it is very precious to her and me. I later got a blood stained purse from the stuff they gathered from the wrecked car. On top of the purse you can see her Coast Christian school I.D badge and the bible that was given to her on the day of her dedication. Attached to the purse is a pink bracelet that I gave her on her last birthday here.
Picture with Abigail- Any memorial for Hannah is not complete without portraying her love for Abigail. This picture was taken when Abigail was brought home from the hospital for the first time. Hannah held her for a considerably long time until we were done putting things away that we brought from the hospital.
Watch- We got this watch for Hannah to teach her time management. We would set up alarm for her and she tried her best to wake up and finish her milk on time! This watch was always on her hand, except when she got in for a shower. Again, she had it on that day and the hospital staff gave it back to us.
Pink marker- Pink was her favorite color and markers and pencils were part of her life. She drew, she wrote and occupied her self with her love for reading and writing.
Hannah' s program brochure printed for her home going service.
Fruit "lollops" and chewing gum-Another passion of Hannah, beyond reading and writing. She must be chewing on a lot of them, walking on the streets of gold.
Earrings- A gift from her uncle, she had been wearing it over a year. Again, we collected it from the coroner's office.
Lock of her hair- while I was collecting things for he shadow box, I remembered her hair given to me from the hospital. I had much difficulty taking it out, because her hair was her... it was part of her.... it was part of her body....I had stroked that hair countless number of times....I had brushed and tied her hair every single day... I pulled on her pony tail and kissed on her hair and shampooed her hair every single day....everything else in the shadow box was of hers but her hair was HER. As I took it out from the box, my hands were not shaky, but my heart was pounding. I was shocked at the lock of hair I was holding... I tried to stroke it... NO, it was not the same...something was missing... It was COLD! There was no life in it... it didn't feel like her hair that was once soft and full of life, bouncy and wavy... this feeling was different. I had heard that death was cold. But this was beyond it, lifeless... the lock was stuck together like someone had glued it. It was hard and DEAD.
Birthday candle- I had saved it for some reason, I am glad I did.
Clothes- Hannah was wearing this pink T-shirt and skirt at home, before she changed to go to the park. For the first time, she had it neatly folded on her bed over the pillow and spread her comforter over it. That's where I found this dress on the day she died. I never got a chance to appreciate her for this work done so neatly. Someday I will get to see her and I shall tell her all these things. But, will the things of earth become strangely dim at the light of heaven? I do not know, but I shall continue to love her there in the presence of my Lord.
Hair band-Hannah always had this on her head. This was her favorite head band. Though I bought her another one, she continued to use this. My husband had to go to take out all the stuff from the wrecked car the day after the accident. He came back and told me, He couldn't bear the sight of this head band resting by the brake lights on top of the back seat. He could not look at the head band and not see Hannah's head under it. He imagined at the impact of the accident, the head band flying away and resting on top of the brake lights. This brought so much pain into his heart. He could not finish telling me that without sobbing.
I put Hannah's comb and her half used cotton candy perfume inside the head band. Hannah loved her perfume, though she smelled of cotton candy after wearing that perfume, I had started getting used to a "Cotton candy Hannah".It was a gift to Hannah from 'Laly mummy' our Pastor's wife, who she affectionately named so.
Those are the shoes we bought from target on her birthday with the gift card her grandmother gifted her with. After bringing Hannah to the E.R from the accident site as the paramedic lady rolled away her stretcher, she stopped by me and wished me all the best, then she handed one of Hannah's shoes to me. I grabbed it instantly and put it in my bag. Later, we got the other pair from the hospital staff.
I like the way they call this a shadow box. To me everything in it are just shadows.... One day we will hear the trumpet call and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Yes, Hannah's glorious body is going to rise from the grave, just like Jesus rose, after he died. It will join her spirit, which is with the Lord at this time. Then, the bible says, we who are alive, will be caught up with him in the air. This is called "rapture". And there will be a glorious reunion in the air. Her face will not be marred like the last time we saw it, she is going to get a glorious new body. This is the hope of everyone who has put their trust in Jesus. The life here on the earth will just become a shadow on that day. Everything we strive for, everything we build here, every work we do.... all will be shadows of the glorious things God will reveal to us on that day.
To those who read me today and know-not what I am talking about, Jesus came to the earth 2000 years ago, to identify with human life, he lived for 33 years and then died on the cross, for our sins. he took our punishment on the cross and died the death we were supposed to get, so that by believing in Him, even though we die, we shall rise again from the dead and live for ever with Him. He did this because he loves you so much to see you die, without hope. All you need to do is to believe in your heart, Jesus died for your sins, and receive the new life Jesus wants to give you. When you do this, you are born again into the kingdom of God. Jesus says, "I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me, will live even though he dies." John 11:25.
May God help you to understand this truth and help you to put your trust in Him.
p.s If you happened to put your trust in Jesus Christ through any circumstance, Please let us know, leave a comment for me.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
I will live my life with your memories
Spoken of by our parents.
Though, I have lot of worries,
I know you are at peace!
I see the pictures of you carrying me, holding me, and feeding me
It sure is a loss to grow up without you
I will never know what I am missing, see
I always grew up without you!
I know I will see you one day
and we will rejoice holding hands
Until then, your body here lay
but your spirit with our Lord, dance!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Its been three months since you called Hannah home.The day she died, I was so numb, I couldn't even analyse if it was 'faith' or if it was 'shock' that held me so strong! I was deeply wounded, seeing my family torn apart in bereavement. Those days, all I thought was how to be an effective witness for you. I had always thought and played in my mind an image of me standing up and being an effective witness in times of crisis. Thank you for giving me the strength. I never thought I would have to go three months without her. Because I was so sure, rapture was close. I longed every day and night to hear the trumpet call. You have brought me thus far with hope...I still wait for the rapture. I long to be in my home... to rest eternally.
There is nothing exciting for me here, dear Lord. All I long is for You. Nothing in this world seem to excite me. I have truly become a stranger and alien in this world.
I am not bitter Lord, but I don't have anything to tell you these days. I sit in your presence and make myself praise you. I believe you are faithful and will bring me home..But when it comes to blessing me here on earth, I am not too sure of it. Because I wrestle with limited understanding on defining the term "blessing". Help me to see the way you see things. When I look, I see you taking her from me ,when I asked you for protecting her. When I look, I see discouragement and nothing going too well with us. Yet I choose to believe the scriptures that says " your ways are just and your judgements are righteous".You always do what is right in the lives of your children.
You have the wisdom that I do not have
You are God and I am not!
You are hope of the nations, yet
you are the hope of my World today!
Apart from you there is no hope for me
My world is waiting on you to come get me!
Events in my life are
Though I grieve, yet I rejoice
Because I serve a manger born King
Lion of Judah, slain as a lamb
Man of sorrows, creator of the universe
Hope for the hopeless and
Resurrection for the dead.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Oh, my anguish, my anguish!
I writhe in pain.
Oh, the agony of my heart!
My heart pounds within me,
I cannot keep silent.
"A voice is heard in Ramah,
mourning and great weeping,
Rachel weeping for her children
and refusing to be comforted because her children are no more"
This is what the Lord says:
"Restrain your voice from weeping
and your eyes from tears,
for your work will be rewarded."
For all those who come to read my blog, Thank you for visiting and taking time to read about Hannah. Its been increasingly difficult to write about her. The last week has been tough!That's when I came across this verse, as silly as it sounds, I never knew my name and situation was in the bible. OK, I know I am not theologically sound here for those of you who are on zeal for the scriptures. Over look this as a mother's attempt to find identity, in the agony of losing her child.
I never imagined raising Abigail without Hannah... That's my agony!
I could never make Abigail understand, how much her big sister loved her and cherished her... Are there enough words out there for this task? When will Abigail have enough understanding to know what we have gone through? Or will she ever realize it?
The desire for bringing Abigail to this world came out of our deepest concern for giving Hannah a sibling to grow up with. We wanted to give Hannah something she loved to have, that was her un quenching desire for a sibling.
And now, the one who came to give company is left alone, without a companion!
Oh, my anguish, my anguish!
I writhe in pain.
So, it has been a tough week....
But, thorough it all, through it all... I have come to depend upon my God.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
This is the only birthday of Hannah's, we did not celebrate at a park. Since she was a memorial day baby, we always had our church picnic during memorial day and that's usually at a park. This time our church picnic got postponed to a later date and we decided to surprise Hannah by taking her to Kids concepts. We invited Sita, her sister Lakshmi and Isabella to play with her. The girls enjoyed thoroughly and Hannah had a bash!. This was a total surprise for Hannah. I had her eyes closed when we pulled into the parking of Kids concepts. I walked her towards the door with her eyes closed and opened her eyes just at the door. Her face lit up and as usual, she was super excited!!
We took this picture just before leaving. Hannah is putting horns on Sita's head.
That was her last birthday with all of us!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sita, Hannah's best friend with Hannah eating 'Icee' after school, in the back of my car.Hannah had a special place for Sita in her heart. She clicked on with Sita, from the day one of Kindergarten. She did not like Sita playing with anyone other than her. Hannah loved climbing 'monkey bars'. Sita did not enjoy this 'sport' as much. One time I asked Hannah, "What does Sita do,when you climb monkey bars?" To which she responded, "oh, I just let her play with the 'other girls' ". I have tried to teach her the importance of associating with all the kids and not just stick to one person alone. She did not seem to understand this concept. To her, Sita was her best friend and no matter what, they were going to be "friends for ever."
Monday, October 6, 2008
This is a moment I captured when Abigail was rasing her head and Hannah playing with her. I love this picture because it so depicts the love that Hannah had for her baby sister.
Hannah's love for a sibling was so genuine and endless. She longed for a baby sister of her own. I remember showing her the ultrasound picture when we were 13 weeks along and Hannah exclaiming, "What,.. I have a baby sister?". We had never told Hannah about the pregnancy up until that point. I remember her, praying for a sibling, EVERY night even before the baby was conceived. Hannah rejoiced when the baby was born and I never faced any sibling rivalry at any time. She was my helper, helping me by getting the changing table ready with a diaper opened and the wipes ready to go. She would also boss me, if i forgot to close the lid of the wipes box. When it was time to give baby a bath, Hannah would get her towel, get a new onesie ready and get the tub ready. Once I was so touched by the way she arranged everything, I gave her a special reward for doing it so profesionally. There were also days when Hannah would be so cranky and wouldn't do a thing. But those days were few and I knew she would help me when I told her I needed my helper. Thats what I miss now. Hannah is not around anymore to help me or to play with the baby. It hurts to know what Abigail is missing yet she does not know what she is missing!!
Hannah is ready to walk down the aisle on her graduation and Mrs. Ashby is giving her last minute instructions. Hannah is full of smile and is ready for her walk. Later, at home she told me, " Amma I never want to do that again". Hannah always hated to be on the spotlight. She is shy, by nature. But she is equally competitive. She wanted to win, without being in the spotlight. She felt embarrassed when people congratulated her, on her achievements. I was working hard on getting her to say 'thank you' when somebody went out of their way to appreciate her.
when it was time for her to receive her diploma from the Principal, Hannah took a giant leap down from the stage and sure enough, she fell on her knees, right in front of Mrs.Keenan, her Principal. Mrs. Keenan gracefully pulled her up on her feet and handed the diploma to her. Walking down the aisle, Hannah was tearing up and did not give us her face, for the camera. She was truly embarrassed and somehow wanted to be done with it. The children after receiving their diplomas, lined up behind, and took their seats. I couldn't see Hannah from where I was sitting, and knew in my heart, something was wrong. I had this strange ability to pick up the mood of Hannah when she was emotionally disturbed. When nobody in our family could understand her, many times I understood the reason why she was frustrated or upset. I thank God for that ability that helped me 'into her heart' many times. So that day, I walked past the audience and made my way to where the kids were lined up and looked for Hannah. Not surprisingly, I found her in a corner turned away from the other kids and silently sobbing! My heart broke for a moment to see Hannah crying on such an important day. I quickly went near her and hugged her and comforted her. I told her it was OK and put her baby sister on her lap. I knew once the baby is on her lap, she will forget everything else. In a minute, Hannah became joyful and started playing again. I will never forget that sight of Hannah silently sobbing in the corner. It didn't need her anytime to tear up. We always wondered why her lacrimal glands were so active!!Sometimes I thought, she loved crying. From her babyhood crying was something she loved doing!As a baby, she stirred up the neighborhood on many occasions. I wonder, how she can survive in a land where there are no tears! I am assured, the Lord himself will wipe away all her tears. No more frustrations, no more pain, no more sorrows, no more tears,... in Heaven!.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Now, she has outlearned anyone here. What I started off as education and knowledge, my Lord has brought into perfection. She is perfected now. Bible says,when you see him, you shall be like him. Hannah is in glory now just like her Lord.