This year, we broke even in our time with her. The first six years were looking forward everyday to see a tiny hand grow, a tiny tooth bud, a crude skill refined, and a perfect one acquired. Those were years spend in investing, years of hopeful anticipation to see our little girl grow and become who God had made her to be.
Then the growth stopped. Life as it was known to us became still. Death reigned. The hopes, the anticipation, the prayers were all engulfed in the sovereign package of His goodness.
When it all ended, we were left with the promise, He is good and all He does is good. Psalm 119:68
Six years later, I can still say, He is still good! The last six years were spend looking back through tears at the hands that never grew, the tooth that never fell, the many skills that were never given a chance to be refined. In our humanness we resorted to days when we would choose intentionally not to remember. We closed our heart at the past as if the pain would go away... Until we learned, that the sovereign package had every grace we needed to face our fears, our dashed hopes, our losses. Our aching hearts also received His great comfort in letting go and be comforted until goodness swept inside the places of vacuum and started to overflow. Strange as it is, our comforted grief became light to many and that death gave birth to many lives.
When the life as we knew it in her diminished and became none, a holy life took over and grew. We are still learning that in the hands of the one who overcame the world, life only grows... in strange ways!
The healed wounds became holy scars. Joy oozed out of the healed wounds that took us by surprise. "Really, is that even possible?"
After twelve years of birthing Hannah and six years of growing her and six years of wanting her, We are still able to say with the aches and joy, He is good and all He does is good.
There may be many more years left, until we see her again, I am almost sure, the first thing Hannah would say when we meet her would be, "welcome home mama, isn't God good in all He does?"
Right now, Right here, "Happy twelfth birthday, Hannah."