Dear Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Today, its six months since I saw you last. I can't believe its been half a year yet it seems like ages. Your sister is already a year old, something you wanted to celebrate much. We celebrated her birthday just like you dreamed when you were here, with balloons at your cousin's place. We have never heard "Appa" "Amma" since you went. But couple of days back your little sister has started calling us both, "Appa" and "Amma" again. It has brought such joy to us more than we can explain. She also says "chechi" when she looks at your pictures. I know you would have been so proud and over joyed yourself to hear it. We miss you everyday and though God had caused the pain to lessen, we still yearn and long to be together again with you. Love you much,

Your Amma.

Grief is undeniable

I read somewhere that grief is undeniable but misery is an option. This I found to be very true. What ever way you exhibit it, be it denial or bargain or depression, we all go through a little bit of all the grief reactions. But at the same time, there is a percentage of people who choose to be miserable over the loss. I think grieving with hope is the key not to grieve with misery.

Grief in itself is hard to take. Who wants to add misery to it? So please know that there is hope in grieving and that is what this blog is all about.

"...Nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish"

During and after the days of Hannah's passing, I have had people ask me different questions. Some wanted to know why I did not cry and others asked me if it was post traumatic shock or God's strength/ peace that held me together. To be honest, I did not know at that time what held me together because that was my first experience with a loss of such magnitude. Even now my peace amazes me!

But, I know one thing. It is time for any shock, any numbness to slowly give way to an underlying flood of emotions or an overwhelming grief reaction to surge in and break me down. But thank God that has not happened. So I strongly believe I was not in shock. Without neglecting the grief process on one hand and undermining the peace that God gives (which is peace that passes all understanding) I want to derive at some conclusions as to what holds me together, which I think might encourage some of you.

• I loved God more that I loved Hannah
• I believe God does not make any mistakes.
• I believe the steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord and so everything that happens to me is within the knowledge of my God.
• I am contended with my Masters decisions in my life
• I believe Psalms 119:68 Lord you are good and what you do is good.

Now, you may ask what is so good about losing your loved one, your first born, the apple of your eye..? In all humility my answer is I do not know all the details but here's what I know...

• In my makers wisdom it seemed good to Him to call Hannah home
• It seemed good to him that I buy gold refined in fire( an illustration in the bible referring to trials) that I become rich ( rich towards Him)
• It seemed good to him that I be wounded and faithfully afflicted so He could heal me.
• It seemed good to Him that this way, I would look forward to his coming
• It seemed good to Him that I would learn some lessons in the school of sorrow for His glory.

What ever it is I have hope when I grieve. Do you? Do you know the one in whom my hope rests? My hope rest on a person. His name is Jesus. He died for my sins. God raised him from the dead. He is coming back again. I look forward to His coming when I can go with Him and see Hannah one day. Like the bible says in Psalms 9:18

But the needy will not always be forgotten ,

nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

Sorry to keep you waiting. This is what was inside the silver cup. I was truly blessed to know that she loved worshipping the Lord which she must be doing now!! I was also blessed to know that God helped her the week before she passed away. I still do not understand how the third question applies. But, someday I will.

A Christmas gift left by Hannah

The week before Hannah passed away, she was attending VBS at the Calvary Chapel, South bay. On the last day I believe, she came home with a foil wrapped paper cup with a smiley face named Jesus going into the cup right through the middle of it. She kept it on the table and told us " This has to be opened only on Christmas day." It has been sitting there since then. After Hannah passed away we have all been taking guesses as to what it is. It might be something that Hannah wrote or some craft she did at the VBS or some ornament she made....or maybe even, there is nothing in it! On the side of the cup there is a sticker that says " I am a new creation" and on the top of the verse is a typed verse " I want to know Christ and the power of his Resurrection" signed Hannah. Anyways, I am counting days to see what Hannah has left for us this Christmas.
Who wants to take a guess? Nimmy..?

Painful Season

I have had many of my friends and loved ones ask me, " Is it difficult for you this time of the year?" or " How are you coping with your loss, in this season?" I had thought about it much. For me losing Hannah and living with that loss is the same pretty much everyday. But I also understand that the celebrations of the season makes it hard for people who have had losses. They are not in the mood to celebrate but they see everyone but them, enjoying. They look at every family that is intact and think, Why just us?

I went through such an emotional war last week. I was eating breakfast by myself and I cried out to the Lord, " Lord, this accident that happened is so ugly. You could have called her home many other ways. I am always going to carry this ugly memories all my life, there is nothing good about this, Lord. Even after many years, when people look at it they are going to shudder. How are you ever going to glorify your name through this ugly accident Lord?" As Faithful as my Lord is, He met me at the breakfast table in a wonderful way that I think is worthy of mentioning in this blog. He said " My child, Look to the cross, it is even uglier than this. When my son died (for you), he was marred beyond recognition. There was nothing desirable about him. When he who created the universe hung upon that Roman cross, When he who knew no sin, took upon the sins of the world, When it was a curse to be hanging on a tree, yet when he took your curses, my child, it was uglier still. It was so ugly that I couldn't look at it. But that ugly thing, the Roman cross is the crux of the christian faith. Without that cross, there would have been no forgiveness of sins. My child, I am talking to you today only because of that cross. You ask me how I glorify my name through this, my child, I always use the foolish things of this world, the despised things, things that are not worthy to glorify my name."

So today if you have a despised thing, an ugly incident, give it to my Potters hand. He has been mending many specks and spots through the ages. I quote Corrie ten boom who said "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." So with the merriment and the joy this season brings, I am going to trust a father who once lost His son(Yes, to the Roman cross) and spend time with Him, knowing Him more.

Fear of Death.

I have always wondered as to what will happen to me after I die. And I know for sure most of you have done so also. I have thought " Will I cease to exist?, Will I become a soul and roam around?, Will the angels come and take me to heaven, if so when do they come, right after I breathe my last or do they wait for sometime?" Now this is the worst of the series... " How will I know when to get out of my body? Will it be safe to get out and if I don't see the angels... then what??"

Oh, I can go on and on with these thoughts.. At one point and all this before Hannah passed away, I said ," Lord I don't want to be alone when I die, I want my husband to die with me." Creeping out of my dead body as a soul and looking around for angels or chariots or even worse asking them for a ride to heaven, was too much to even imagine doing together, let alone on my own!!"Travelling through death's door was horrifying for me, UNTIL Hannah passed away.

Hannah's home going opened my eyes to see something that most has not seen. The bible says that if you believe in your heart Jesus is Lord and confess that he died for your sins and was raised to life and if you give the Lordship of your life to Jesus Christ, you are saved and born again. For this person, when they die, they are with the Lord. That is when you take your last breath here, next thing, you are in the presence of Jesus. The apostle Paul says "To be absent from the body is to be with the Lord". How that happens I don't know, But I know for sure now that I don't have to crawl or creep out of my body and wait for the call " I can help the next guest in line....". This has become a reality to me now. It's an assurance that I don't have to lie in the box waiting.... I am not there in the casket when I die....What others see is just my outer covering. I might be walking on the heaven's street of gold when people walk up the aisle to get a glimpse of my outer shell!

Oh! what a joyous day that is! Fulfillment of all that I ever waited for. To set my face on my maker! I wouldn't trade that for anything.Nothing in the world can give me that kind of ecstasy.The bible says the earth and everything in it will pass away. But there is only one thing that does not pass, God. So that's where I want to be, after I finish what my Saviour has called me to do. This makes me ask " Oh death, where is your victory?" Death has lost its sting since Jesus died and defeated death. I don't fear dying anymore. If I die, that means my duty here is over. What ever means I die of. This confidence is on a personal level.

But I have people who ask me but what about a loved one dying, what about our children....? I don't assume to know why God calls some when they are 5 and why some others from their mothers womb yet some others in their 90's. Those are done according to Gods perfect wisdom and when it happens I can only say that God has helped them to finish their race. Their race is finished whether that fetus got to see the world outside or not. According to God's timing, Hannah lived a full life. I have had people send me cards that read " sympathising in the untimely death of your daughter" I wanted to scream when I saw it. I believed, her death was timely. I believed God had given her to me for 6 years for some reason only he knows. I believed she lived a full life. Knowing all these is one thing, and preparing for another event of such magnitude is another thing. By going through this trial, I have become more appreciative of God's sovereignty and wisdom. But that, in NO WAY makes me prepared for another one like this....When you say, you are afraid if something might happen to your child, I hear you. I am not prepared either...but there is a thin assurance within me that says " God you are good and what you do is good." Psalms 119:68 Even if no one sees any good in it, I see... by faith ( sometimes only by faith). I know he does not make any mistakes... I also know that we are called to be faithful...He is writing HIS story... He has been writing... since creation and all this while did we ever think that He is allowing us to write OUR story?? Oh, how mistaken we are!! We have shifted the focus to us. The stage is His and the lights should always be on him because it is His story and He uses everything for His glory. Now, did I know this when I gave my heart to Jesus, perhaps not. I only knew He loved me so much as to die for me and wanted me to give my allegiance to him. But will knowing this now, make me walk back? Never. As apostle Peter said, " The words of eternal life are with you master, where shall we go apart from you." So all those who are afraid of the death of a loved one, let me tell you when you crash against something you don't understand about, fall back on what you already know. Exchange what you don't know with what you know. And what you know is,

Lord you are good and what you do is good.!! Psalms 119:68