Six With and Six Without

Another May 29th...Six years of memories with our Hannah and six years of memories without her.

This year, we broke even in our time with her. The first six years were looking forward everyday to see a tiny hand grow, a tiny tooth bud, a crude skill refined, and a perfect one acquired. Those were years spend in investing, years of hopeful anticipation to see our little girl grow and become who God had made her to be.

Then the growth stopped. Life as it was known to us became still. Death reigned. The hopes, the anticipation, the prayers were all engulfed in the sovereign package of His goodness.

When it all ended, we were left with the promise, He is good and all He does is good. Psalm 119:68

Six years later, I can still say, He is still good! The last six years were spend looking back through tears at the hands that never grew, the tooth that never fell, the many skills that were never given a chance to be refined. In our humanness we resorted to days when we would choose intentionally not to remember. We closed our heart at the past as if the pain would go away... Until we learned, that the sovereign package had every grace we needed to face our fears, our dashed hopes, our losses. Our aching hearts also received His great comfort in letting go and be comforted until goodness swept inside the places of vacuum and started to overflow. Strange as it is, our comforted grief became light to many and that death gave birth to many lives.

When the life as we knew it in her diminished and became none, a holy life took over and grew. We are still learning that in the hands of the one who overcame the world, life only grows... in strange ways!

 The healed wounds became holy scars. Joy oozed out of the healed wounds that took us by surprise. "Really, is that even possible?"

After twelve years of birthing Hannah and six years of growing her and six years of wanting her, We are still able to say with the aches and joy, He is good and all He does is good.

There may be many more years left, until we see her again, I am almost sure, the first thing Hannah would say when we meet her would be, "welcome home mama, isn't God good in all He does?"

Right now, Right here, "Happy twelfth birthday, Hannah." 

He Has Need of Your Unmet Needs

Have you ever felt the weight of an unmet need that is weighing down on you with frustration and perhaps confusion wanting you to give up your godliness and be just a human for a little while? Maybe you  could indulge in your flesh a bit and and forget the cares, after all, the world needs a happy Christian and there is no way you could keep going...no way you can match grace for your frustration. What do you do when an unmet need makes you less of a Christian and perhaps meeting it an ungodly way, maybe just a harmless giving in,  brings you more completion, helps you be focused, gathers you together to become a better Christian or even a better person?

What do you do when the world beckons to meet your need that grace seemingly is no match for, at the moment, and all of it so that you could be a better you?

It does not make sense why you should not when the benefits can be counted to make you be more. BE MORE? That's when the question rises. Be more like who? Be more like the father of lies? Yes, if that is where I find my match. The way of grace is the way of cross. It is not easy. It is the narrow path that stumbles many. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. (Mathew 7:14

God's ways does not make sense and it certainly is not for the faint of heart. He says, " I have a purpose for you. For you to make much of me, you need to be dependent on me. If this unmet need is what it takes for you to be dependent on me, I want that need to be unmet. I have need of your unmet need. Direct it to me and make it a sacrifice. Let it break you down. Let it leave you doubtful, vulnerable, shattered, less than a gathered self, shattered and perhaps confused. Let these "breakings" magnify the need. Let the wounds bleed and sores putrefy. Let the hopelessness awaken and beckon a healer. Let it make you realize the depth  and magnitude of your need and what and who it takes to fill that need."

It takes such a work of breaking in your life for every valley to be lifted up and every mountain and hill to be made low. It takes work of such a magnitude for the rugged terrain to become a broad valley. Isaiah 40:4
The scripture says "Then the glory of the Lord will be revealed and all flesh will see it together."(Isaiah 40:5).

Remembering Hannah Today

When something that is received from the hands of a good God is perceived as bad or cannot be appreciated, there are two ways to cope with it. Either we can choose to trust in this God and say, " I know you are good but I'm struggling to trust you with this. Help my unbelief... increase my faith." Or we can give up on God and say, "You are not who you say you are," and be bitter the rest of our days.
It had been 5 years of consistently choosing God's goodness over our comfort. Five years of walking in the valley of shadow of death. Five years of relearning to build our lives again. Five years of fruitfulness from brokenness. Five years of God's faithful restoration. Five years of even trusting God while driving with little kids again.

Father, thank you for bringing Hannah home before us. We miss her but we know who she is with. We long to be with you and her!

Happy Birthday Hannah

At The ER

“She is no more…She is with the Lord!” The words that came out of my mouth must have sounded like rocks hammering away on a failing heart. Those words ripped my husband’s heart apart. Blood oozed away from the periphery of his body and he became pale like a dead man. He opened his mouth to say something, but mumbled something and nodded his head in disbelief.

Attempting to bridge the gap between reality and disbelief, he shook his hands away from mine and asked, “They couldn’t do anything to save her?” “No”, I nodded, trying to be composed, and accepting the tragedy of my daughter’s body pronounced dead a few minutes ago, by the chief of the Pediatric Trauma ER.

This Was Not My Idea Of Life

“Mom, why do you go for work? Why can’t you stay home with me?” She asked me from under her covers, her muffled voice directed at me, as she was just waking up, one morning. I was already up and making preparations for the day. I had written down Hannah’s schedule for the day, handed it to her grandparents to follow through, made sure the baby had enough milk thawed out for the day and was heading to the transitional care center, where I worked as a Physical Therapist.

The day was packed. Six hours at work, come back, nurse the baby, take Hannah to the library, take the grandparents out for grocery shopping, dinner plans…My mind was already shutting down at the pace of our life. But, this was America. The land of opportunity. “Need not think more, everybody does it and still survives! Just go on with the rat race of building our lives.” I comforted myself. I was just not sure, if God had called me to do the same thing everybody was doing around me.

“You stayed home all day for so many days when the baby was born, why not now? Please can you take me to the park today? “Hannah’s pleas were further complicating my clouded mind. This was not my idea of life. I was sucked into so much activity and did not have the time or energy to invest in what was most important, serving my husband and building our children.

Determined to bring a change, I looked at Hannah and nodded at her. I walked to the next room, picked up the phone and called the clinic where I worked, requesting for a day off, if their schedule allowed. The supervisor did not think so. My heart sank. I walked back into the room, wanting to console Hannah, but the phone rang. This time my Supervisor thought she could tweak the schedule a bit, so I could stay home. Hannah was excited as she learned about the prospect of a picnic with her mother and all the fun she was going to have with me!

God is Sovereign

I felt a thud, lost control over the steering and the car swirled, I felt like I was in a high speed carousel swaying me, only, it was tragic! Was my foot on the gas or brakes? Or did I leave all control and let the event take its course? Nothing I did could stop the swirling. I was on a trajectory! I turned my gaze over to the back seat in the midst of all this commotion. There was Hannah … with her eyes closed...so graceful! I knew she was gone. It had only been 2-3 seconds, but it felt like eternity for me to get to the back seat.

I managed to make some phone calls, do some resuscitation on her, scream at the top of my lungs for help, ran like a mad dog between the car and the street, not wanting to stop resuscitation, but wanting more help . I remember the truck driver calling 911 and then joining me in the back seat as I was screaming and calling on God to revive her, while my hands pushed up and down on her little chest. He prayed with me as I called on the top of my voice, “God have mercy and revive her.”

In a few minutes, I was sitting by a social worker in the pediatric trauma ER of Harbor-UCLA. She was sent there to prepare me for a possible shock and help me cope with the possible death of my daughter. I knew what was coming up. My brokenness had already set in. I embraced the sovereignty of God in one hand and the plea for mercy on the other. I bargained, I pleaded, and I cried, I promised, all the while my heart sensing vanity. My knowledge of the most Holy made me know that He was a sovereign God and He knew what He was doing. A few minutes ago, in the van, with the paramedics intubating her, I gave her over to God to do what seemed best to Him. The knowledge that He is sovereign, translated as peace that He will also sustain. As soon as I stepped into the ER, there was peace that He was in control.

In between the lines, tubes, the doctors, the nurses all the commotion and noise, I saw her…so graceful yet so unresponsive. The chief asked me, if I wanted to hold her hand while still alive (medically) before they pronounced her dead. I held her hand with the knowledge of the Most Holy sustaining me at perfect peace. A friend from church, Anita, who happened to be one of the nurses resuscitating Hannah held me tight and cried over my shoulders, as I took Hannah’s lifeless hands and cried out to God, “ God have mercy on me, be merciful to me and raise her Father, in your Son’s name I pray, Amen.” Nothing happened. I saw the eyes of the nurses and doctors tearing up, as they took off their gloves, wiped their eyes and patted my shoulders or hugged me to console me. They had called off the resuscitation and pronounced her dead.

That day I prayed to God in the name of Jesus whom I had trusted since I was 14 years old. A friend had the guts to walk up to me during recess and ask me if I knew Jesus. She shared the joy of her life with me. I did not have to think twice. I was aware of the vacuum in my life. Growing up in a home with an alcoholic father and a mother who tried to patch up in whatever way she knew, I was a problem kid with a scar. A scar, that resulted from being misunderstood, and unloved. When I heard the gospel that day, I knew only He could heal my broken heart. I heard I was created in Him before the foundations of the world and that He had a purpose for me. As a fourteen year old girl my life was changed radically. My folks thought I was insane and assured themselves this was just another passing season of my life. Many seasons have come and gone, knowing Jesus was never a passing season in my life. After nearly two decades, Jesus continues to be my stronghold, and my commitment and love for Him has only grown since.

At every crossroads, God appointed mentors for me. My friend’s mother who showed me, that there is another way to live life, the one that is lived in obedience to His Holy Spirit, for His purpose. Life in our home was centered on verbal abuses, harsh language, tip toing around the insanity of alcoholism, fearful of abandonment, insecure from unjust blames and guilt. That day Jesus began lifting those burdens and patterns and clothing me with a new nature. A new nature, that He will finish weaving, and grant to me when I lay aside my “tent” and see Him face to face.

God led me to place far from home for college education. There I learned the first lessons of standing alone for God and not following the crowd. I took quite a few punches of oppression as I was singled out as a “Jesus freak” and “not so cool.”

In time, God blessed me with a God fearing man. His home was so much different than mine. The parents loved their children selflessly. The mother was sacrificial and submissive. I am blessed to be part of a family that knows God, worships God and lives to glorify God. My husband had a different childhood than mine.

In his own words he says,” I was raised with good morals and values. As I grew up I found myself as the obedient son, always doing the right things and getting the right grades. My brother shared the gospel with me and put me in a bible believing church as I left my parents in Dubai and came down to Kerala for my college education. As I started attending that church, the truth of the gospel helped me examine my heart. I discovered that “self” was on the throne of my life and I was living for my purposes. I was not aware of a Maker who made me to fulfill His purposes in my life.

The scriptures taught me that my good deeds were like filthy rags before God and that I was sinful even with my “ best obedience and best grades” All I could do was cry out to God to save me from the death that I would face, because the bible says the wages of sin is death. God was merciful to forgive me my sins and accept me as his son because His Son died for me and paid the penalty for my sins. “

Together we have walked quite a decade as partakers of this grace of life. We know God has a purpose in our marriage. We have gone through some real trials in our marriage and lives. We have seen lives been born and die. Yet, we do not exalt the death of our child, but we exalt the death of Jesus. The death of our child cannot save anyone, but the death of Jesus can.

A Counter Cultural Vision

Our focus is on displaying the beauty of God through our marriage. God chose the example of marriage to show the relationship of His son to the church. It is lofty in His eyes, so we take this institution seriously. God has also put in our hearts, a counter cultural vision of seeking His name and doing what pleases Him as we live for His glory.

(This picture was taken on her 6th birthday)

Today we celebrate Hannah's 10th birthday in her absence. There would have been balloons and presents, had she been with us today. She would have grown up some more...There is pain when I think of her growth and what she would have been to all her siblings. I accept God's sovereignty. Our lives have changed tremendously since God has allowed this in our life. He has made us ministers of His hope and grace to many. I yield my life to Him knowing its is His and He will bring beauty out of ashes

Come over and Join me

I have been thinking of writing and sharing what the Lord has taught me for sometime now. I did not find it suitable to continue on this blog because I started this with another purpose. This blog is a memorial for Hannah. Some time later, I would like to wrap it up and and make it into a book. For now, I'll just leave it open and come back here if I wanted to share anything regarding Hannah.

Mean while I started another blog. It is more of journaling and sharing whatever the Lord has been teaching me. I hope it will be an encouragement to you. You can go there by clicking  here . Thank you for being a part of my grieving journey.

A cake that never saw 8 candles.

Dear Hannah,

With feelings of pain mixed with hope we celebrate your birthday. Celebrating your birthday is different in your absence. Do we celebrate or do we mourn? Do we sing or do we cry? I do not know my child, but I know we have a common place where our hearts are united in hope. And that is in the presence of our Lord.

When the birthday reminder that was set on my phone beeped today, I did not know what to do. I lifted my heart to my God and tearfully remembered what it would have been if you were here. Your position as an older sister is still open but never to be filled or taken by anyone. Down here on this earth, we are bound by time and space. So for us time translates to years and ages. we age and we grow. But I remember how different it is in heaven. Heaven is not bound by time or space. There is no aging and so there might not be birthdays. But I know only to live as a human and in my human understanding I celebrate your 8th birthday.

May God's name be glorified in that cake that never saw 8 candles.
May God's name be glorified in the balloons that were never blown for you this year.
May God's name be glorified in the toys that were never bought and the fun that we never had together celebrating you and singing over you.
May God's name be glorified in the absence of my firstborn.
May God's name be glorified when you did not go to second grade,but all your friends did.
May God's name be glorified in the wound that surfaces every year as your memories washes it to the shore.
May God's name be glorified in and through our lives in your absence and in all the pain and tears and may the purpose for which God allowed it take completion in every way.

The desire of our soul O Lord, is for your name and for the remembrance of You.

Mother or Not

Motherhood- not to be in the checklist

Born into a world where reckoning comes through measurable standards, we have been exposed since childhood to a checklist that we have all adopted and checking through to our final goal. From infant mile stones through educational school system we are being checked off as we hurdle one milestone after another. This measurable standard creeps into adulthood takes us through marriage, job, and house and now into motherhood/fatherhood. While innocent in itself, adopted as a goal or a focus, this checklist leaves no room for the sovereignty of God. From Sarah to Elizabeth the bible is full of characters where Gods sovereignty intervened to pause man and to glorify His name through waiting upon God and to find man’s ultimate purpose apart from the man made check list. When the check list dictated woman to become a mother by so and so age, Gods sovereignty sometimes painfully intervenes to put the spotlight on God and seems to be saying, “I have an agenda that I have been gently leading you to which is greater than the checklist that has been imposed on you by the culture.” God’s agenda understands the pain of a barren womb as it recognizes it as one of the three things that cannot be satisfied as mentioned in Proverbs: 30:16 Yet, God’s agenda has the potential to gloriously turn that around for His glory, only and only if surrendered to the maker’s hand. It bids us to bravely say, I will not adopt the eyes of the world to dictate the progress of my life rather I would adopt my Maker’s vision to fulfill His purpose in my life. Oh! What glory is conceived in a barren womb and what life is brought forth when it is united with its Maker’s purpose.

Motherhood – not your security

We need security because we are insecure people. Apart from God, we do not have any self worth. Being a mother should not increase your self worth, neither does, not being a mother decreases your self worth either. Insecurity is a heart issue. God has the answer to all our heart issues. Many times insecurity takes the subtle form of materialism, work holism, self centeredness, critical spirit etc. You cannot fill your heart issue with any of these things. Position, power and riches shouldn’t give us something we feel we are missing, when what we are truly missing is finding our worth and value in the Lord.
When whatever we are finding our worth in goes away, we will once again be left empty, hopeless and devastated. You cannot find your worth in being a mother because your children do not exist nor were they created to increase your self esteem. That is not the purpose of their life. They do not exist to make you feel good about yourself.
On the other hand, if you have never nurtured a child, do not think you would have been secure, had you given birth. Regardless, if you choose to believe so, it is a lie and you live your entire life trying to find your worth in something other than the Lord. What you need is not self esteem, it is God esteem. Mother or not, strive for Christ esteem which is well worth a pursuit.

Motherhood- not your identity

Walking by the baby aisle at Walmart, rarely someone pass by without noticing the receiving blankets, fuzzy fur toys, bibs, bottles and the teeny tiny baby shoes. It instills the memories of new born bonding days, smell of a cuddly baby and warmth of a snuggling infant. Our culture has brought motherhood down to baby blankets, rocking chairs, teddy bears, rattles and perhaps a stork sign that displays a just delivered infant bundle. Motherhood goes beyond the stork, the rattles and the baby Einstein. You are in charge of a soul that is destined for eternity. Someone said, motherhood is God’s custom designed fire. Here you learn to let go, surrender, to let God have His way. Motherhood is not an identity to uphold or crave. It is a stewardship entrusted to us and for a season. It involves training little hearts and teaching them the ways of the Lord. It is better to build little people than to repair big people. We need to instill in them a desire for godliness and His kingdom and we need to do all this without our hearts becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. I have to guard my heart constantly with regards to my children and know that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away and that if they exist they do so for the glory of God. So let us not see motherhood as our identity, rather, as a stewardship.

Mother? Swim upstream.

I have heard the story of salmon fish swimming upstream to lay eggs. She swims against the current to give birth and shortly after that the salmon dies. There has never been the need for mothers to swim upstream against the culture and the world than now. If only mothers would realize that parenting is more than providing. It requires falling on the Lords arms more than once crying for wisdom and understanding. Like a salmon, I need to do all there is to equip them for godly life and then slowly fade away from the stage of life. When a mother chooses to nurture her children for the Lord and everything that she does seems insignificant at the time, mundane at best, remember the old proverbial rhyme,
“For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail “

May the kingdom of God never be at loss for the want of a godly mother.

Not a mother? Seize the opportunity of a life time

Tears that well up while holding a test with one line, hope that rises and crashes to the ground like a cycle month after month, empty hands and empty cradles, frustration and anger that God does not seem to be seeing, life that ebbs away without meaning… all makes us wonder, “ Is it all there is to life?”
No, this is not all there is to life, if the empty hand finds its way to the treasures of the Lord. The glorious riches He has for His saints. Do not substitute this vacuum with friends, do not substitute this vacuum with possessions, and do not substitute it with power. Realize that you have opportunities that others do not have. Mother or not, God has made a woman with potential and talents He can use for His glory. Mother or not, you are very much a woman made in His image and you exist to bring Him glory.
God can do glorious things with a life surrendered to Him and that is what brings meaning to life and not the package assigned to you in life. May we look beyond empty hands and empty cradles to a faithful Father who promised us that by His divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know Him, the one who called us to Himself by means of His marvelous glory and excellence 2 Peter 1:3.

Motherhood is not about me!

I had been away for almost a year from the blogosphere. I thought of posting a lot of times but I had come to a place where there was nothing more to add, nothing more to say...

I started blogging to vent my feelings about Hannah and possibly to encourage someone else in their trials. I came to a point where I was completely at peace with my maker and there was no more venting. So this post is no venting... nothing about reflecting on our times with Hannah.

This is an update about what the Lord has been doing in our life.

My blog started on Sep 20 th 2008. Two months after Hannah passed away. Little did I know that time, a year from then I would be holding an infant in my hand. On Sep 21st 2009, Daniel was born. We had moved to a new home just 3 weeks before Daniel was born. Abigail is now the big sister, taking Hannah's place, in her absence. Abigail is 2 years and 4 months today and Daniel is 7 months today. Abigail knows Hannah very well and talks about Hannah gone to sleep and that she is with Jesus. I wish to train their hearts in the ways of our Lord and teach them His ways.

Just recently I heard from a godly lady about motherhood. she says,

"Here's what I beleive God wants all of us women to come to: Motherhood is not an image we are to uphold. We are not to make MOTHERHOOD (even Christian motherhood) our identity. We are not to possess our children for US. We need to raise them in the fear of the Lord without our own HEARTS becoming attached to them for selfish reasons. "

"Not to make motherhood as our identity"- now, that is mind blogging! I always thought, motherhood was my identity along with being a wife. It takes immense trust in God and denying my self to say I do not make motherhood my identity for selfish reason. My children do not exist to make me happy but for me to train them in the ways of the Lord. I have committed my life for this purpose. May God help me to do it well.

I thank my God for all these ways he is taking me through. May your name be glorified O Lord!

Because God gave us you....

Because God gave us you....

This was the title of the book we gifted Hannah 1 year ago on her 6 th birthday. As I look back I know I was affirming to her ( and to me) that God was the one who gave her to us and He had absolute authority over her life as well. Today,had she been here, she would have been seven.

Like I always say, God is good and what he does is good. In his wisdom it seemed good to Him to direct things this way.

We want to make it a tradition in our family to speak about Hannah and to think about her a lot on her birthday and teach our other children everything about her and what we have learned, as we went through this school of sorrow. We want to visit her cemetery and teach our children though her body lies there, she is with the Lord. We want to remind ourselves and teach our children that we will all see her one day that is, if they put their trust in Jesus Christ as their sister once did. We want to thank God for giving her to us and helping us raise her through our mistakes and wisdom and enabling us to be witnesses unto Him even in her death.

Because God gave us you, we will continue to love you...

Happy Birthday Hannah

In the pursuit of His glory

Let me start of by apologising for lack of posts these days. Abigail transitioned from 2 naps a day to single nap which gives mom just enough time to catch up with the bare essentials of life. So blogging has been on the back burner for all these days. While I was away, I had been thinking much about writing a post on pursuit.

Any one who has received a mail from me in the recent past must have come across this signature "in the pursuit of His glory". This is something that has been in my mind for quite some time now. I have meditated much on this little phrase. At one point I even re dedicated my life for this pursuit. This is how I want to live. Everything I do, must be counted towards His glory. All the trials and difficulties must manifest His glory. Every desire must be delightful and God honoring and bring much glory to God. My life should center around his throne in the pursuit of his glory.

I even found a verse that echoes with this desire of mine. It is Isiah 26;8

The desire of our soul is for Your name
And for the remembrance of You.

When my life is summed up, I want everyone to remember that it was a life spend in the pursuit of His glory. When I lie in my coffin (unless I am taken away in rapture) I want to reflect glory to God. I wish my head stone would read ( If I have one) "In the pursuit of His glory".

There is nothing more worthy than living your life for the glory of God and counting it all joy what ever we endure.

Dear Hannah

Dear Hannah,

Today, its six months since I saw you last. I can't believe its been half a year yet it seems like ages. Your sister is already a year old, something you wanted to celebrate much. We celebrated her birthday just like you dreamed when you were here, with balloons at your cousin's place. We have never heard "Appa" "Amma" since you went. But couple of days back your little sister has started calling us both, "Appa" and "Amma" again. It has brought such joy to us more than we can explain. She also says "chechi" when she looks at your pictures. I know you would have been so proud and over joyed yourself to hear it. We miss you everyday and though God had caused the pain to lessen, we still yearn and long to be together again with you. Love you much,

Your Amma.

Grief is undeniable

I read somewhere that grief is undeniable but misery is an option. This I found to be very true. What ever way you exhibit it, be it denial or bargain or depression, we all go through a little bit of all the grief reactions. But at the same time, there is a percentage of people who choose to be miserable over the loss. I think grieving with hope is the key not to grieve with misery.

Grief in itself is hard to take. Who wants to add misery to it? So please know that there is hope in grieving and that is what this blog is all about.

"...Nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish"

During and after the days of Hannah's passing, I have had people ask me different questions. Some wanted to know why I did not cry and others asked me if it was post traumatic shock or God's strength/ peace that held me together. To be honest, I did not know at that time what held me together because that was my first experience with a loss of such magnitude. Even now my peace amazes me!

But, I know one thing. It is time for any shock, any numbness to slowly give way to an underlying flood of emotions or an overwhelming grief reaction to surge in and break me down. But thank God that has not happened. So I strongly believe I was not in shock. Without neglecting the grief process on one hand and undermining the peace that God gives (which is peace that passes all understanding) I want to derive at some conclusions as to what holds me together, which I think might encourage some of you.

• I loved God more that I loved Hannah
• I believe God does not make any mistakes.
• I believe the steps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord and so everything that happens to me is within the knowledge of my God.
• I am contended with my Masters decisions in my life
• I believe Psalms 119:68 Lord you are good and what you do is good.

Now, you may ask what is so good about losing your loved one, your first born, the apple of your eye..? In all humility my answer is I do not know all the details but here's what I know...

• In my makers wisdom it seemed good to Him to call Hannah home
• It seemed good to him that I buy gold refined in fire( an illustration in the bible referring to trials) that I become rich ( rich towards Him)
• It seemed good to him that I be wounded and faithfully afflicted so He could heal me.
• It seemed good to Him that this way, I would look forward to his coming
• It seemed good to Him that I would learn some lessons in the school of sorrow for His glory.

What ever it is I have hope when I grieve. Do you? Do you know the one in whom my hope rests? My hope rest on a person. His name is Jesus. He died for my sins. God raised him from the dead. He is coming back again. I look forward to His coming when I can go with Him and see Hannah one day. Like the bible says in Psalms 9:18

But the needy will not always be forgotten ,

nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

Sorry to keep you waiting. This is what was inside the silver cup. I was truly blessed to know that she loved worshipping the Lord which she must be doing now!! I was also blessed to know that God helped her the week before she passed away. I still do not understand how the third question applies. But, someday I will.

A Christmas gift left by Hannah

The week before Hannah passed away, she was attending VBS at the Calvary Chapel, South bay. On the last day I believe, she came home with a foil wrapped paper cup with a smiley face named Jesus going into the cup right through the middle of it. She kept it on the table and told us " This has to be opened only on Christmas day." It has been sitting there since then. After Hannah passed away we have all been taking guesses as to what it is. It might be something that Hannah wrote or some craft she did at the VBS or some ornament she made....or maybe even, there is nothing in it! On the side of the cup there is a sticker that says " I am a new creation" and on the top of the verse is a typed verse " I want to know Christ and the power of his Resurrection" signed Hannah. Anyways, I am counting days to see what Hannah has left for us this Christmas.
Who wants to take a guess? Nimmy..?

Painful Season

I have had many of my friends and loved ones ask me, " Is it difficult for you this time of the year?" or " How are you coping with your loss, in this season?" I had thought about it much. For me losing Hannah and living with that loss is the same pretty much everyday. But I also understand that the celebrations of the season makes it hard for people who have had losses. They are not in the mood to celebrate but they see everyone but them, enjoying. They look at every family that is intact and think, Why just us?

I went through such an emotional war last week. I was eating breakfast by myself and I cried out to the Lord, " Lord, this accident that happened is so ugly. You could have called her home many other ways. I am always going to carry this ugly memories all my life, there is nothing good about this, Lord. Even after many years, when people look at it they are going to shudder. How are you ever going to glorify your name through this ugly accident Lord?" As Faithful as my Lord is, He met me at the breakfast table in a wonderful way that I think is worthy of mentioning in this blog. He said " My child, Look to the cross, it is even uglier than this. When my son died (for you), he was marred beyond recognition. There was nothing desirable about him. When he who created the universe hung upon that Roman cross, When he who knew no sin, took upon the sins of the world, When it was a curse to be hanging on a tree, yet when he took your curses, my child, it was uglier still. It was so ugly that I couldn't look at it. But that ugly thing, the Roman cross is the crux of the christian faith. Without that cross, there would have been no forgiveness of sins. My child, I am talking to you today only because of that cross. You ask me how I glorify my name through this, my child, I always use the foolish things of this world, the despised things, things that are not worthy to glorify my name."

So today if you have a despised thing, an ugly incident, give it to my Potters hand. He has been mending many specks and spots through the ages. I quote Corrie ten boom who said "There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still." So with the merriment and the joy this season brings, I am going to trust a father who once lost His son(Yes, to the Roman cross) and spend time with Him, knowing Him more.

Fear of Death.

I have always wondered as to what will happen to me after I die. And I know for sure most of you have done so also. I have thought " Will I cease to exist?, Will I become a soul and roam around?, Will the angels come and take me to heaven, if so when do they come, right after I breathe my last or do they wait for sometime?" Now this is the worst of the series... " How will I know when to get out of my body? Will it be safe to get out and if I don't see the angels... then what??"

Oh, I can go on and on with these thoughts.. At one point and all this before Hannah passed away, I said ," Lord I don't want to be alone when I die, I want my husband to die with me." Creeping out of my dead body as a soul and looking around for angels or chariots or even worse asking them for a ride to heaven, was too much to even imagine doing together, let alone on my own!!"Travelling through death's door was horrifying for me, UNTIL Hannah passed away.

Hannah's home going opened my eyes to see something that most has not seen. The bible says that if you believe in your heart Jesus is Lord and confess that he died for your sins and was raised to life and if you give the Lordship of your life to Jesus Christ, you are saved and born again. For this person, when they die, they are with the Lord. That is when you take your last breath here, next thing, you are in the presence of Jesus. The apostle Paul says "To be absent from the body is to be with the Lord". How that happens I don't know, But I know for sure now that I don't have to crawl or creep out of my body and wait for the call " I can help the next guest in line....". This has become a reality to me now. It's an assurance that I don't have to lie in the box waiting.... I am not there in the casket when I die....What others see is just my outer covering. I might be walking on the heaven's street of gold when people walk up the aisle to get a glimpse of my outer shell!

Oh! what a joyous day that is! Fulfillment of all that I ever waited for. To set my face on my maker! I wouldn't trade that for anything.Nothing in the world can give me that kind of ecstasy.The bible says the earth and everything in it will pass away. But there is only one thing that does not pass, God. So that's where I want to be, after I finish what my Saviour has called me to do. This makes me ask " Oh death, where is your victory?" Death has lost its sting since Jesus died and defeated death. I don't fear dying anymore. If I die, that means my duty here is over. What ever means I die of. This confidence is on a personal level.

But I have people who ask me but what about a loved one dying, what about our children....? I don't assume to know why God calls some when they are 5 and why some others from their mothers womb yet some others in their 90's. Those are done according to Gods perfect wisdom and when it happens I can only say that God has helped them to finish their race. Their race is finished whether that fetus got to see the world outside or not. According to God's timing, Hannah lived a full life. I have had people send me cards that read " sympathising in the untimely death of your daughter" I wanted to scream when I saw it. I believed, her death was timely. I believed God had given her to me for 6 years for some reason only he knows. I believed she lived a full life. Knowing all these is one thing, and preparing for another event of such magnitude is another thing. By going through this trial, I have become more appreciative of God's sovereignty and wisdom. But that, in NO WAY makes me prepared for another one like this....When you say, you are afraid if something might happen to your child, I hear you. I am not prepared either...but there is a thin assurance within me that says " God you are good and what you do is good." Psalms 119:68 Even if no one sees any good in it, I see... by faith ( sometimes only by faith). I know he does not make any mistakes... I also know that we are called to be faithful...He is writing HIS story... He has been writing... since creation and all this while did we ever think that He is allowing us to write OUR story?? Oh, how mistaken we are!! We have shifted the focus to us. The stage is His and the lights should always be on him because it is His story and He uses everything for His glory. Now, did I know this when I gave my heart to Jesus, perhaps not. I only knew He loved me so much as to die for me and wanted me to give my allegiance to him. But will knowing this now, make me walk back? Never. As apostle Peter said, " The words of eternal life are with you master, where shall we go apart from you." So all those who are afraid of the death of a loved one, let me tell you when you crash against something you don't understand about, fall back on what you already know. Exchange what you don't know with what you know. And what you know is,

Lord you are good and what you do is good.!! Psalms 119:68

Fear for life

(This is the continuation of my previous blog entry. Please scroll down to read from the beginning)

When a child is born into this world, it is born into an already defined structured environment which expects him to prove himself and progress into more complex criteria and standards. When they are little we call it 'milestones'. We expect them to prove themselves through the milestones and progress rapidly through to fall into different settings which we may also call "standards of the world." The child struggles to keep up with these standards and in the process develops his egos.

As with those of us from India, the motto or the standard is often

Grow up and become a doctor

Marry have a son and daughter

Drive around in the best motor

Don't waste time playing soccer

but store away cash in the locker.

With every passing stage the child's goals or struggles are more or less to keep up with these standards. Ever been there? I have!

As a christian the sermons and teaching I heard bordered around these goals too. Oh, sometimes they were just polished to make it look as though it was "blessings from God" or " For the glory of God".Sadly, the worldly standards have crept into many churches and over the years many saints have been drifted away to thinking this is how a christian should be living ( the prosperity theory, for instance.) While the standards in itself are not wrong and I don't have any doubt on the abilities of my God I strongly disagree a life that is set apart to follow the standards of the world.

If you did not pass one of these goals/ milestones, you were less spiritual?? Your prayers were not powerful enough to unlock the blessing door of heaven?? Ever been there? I have!

With a grateful heart towards God let me say, I learnt it the hard way that the church of Jesus Christ was built on the blood of the martyrs, blood of the saints who were persecuted and killed for their faith. Their families orphaned and starved because they heard the call to preach this good news to many those who have not heard it. These persecuted Christians did not wake up in the morning and pray " lord bless me, bless my husband, bless my kids" and sing showers of blessings and claimed more blessings and fasted for their blessings and developed faith muscles to exercise blessings. ( Nothing wrong with praying for your needs, just don't let that become your only prayer.) But, they cried, " Lord, one more soul" that was their passion. They did not have the struggles to keep up with the milestones of the society. They did not have any standards other than the son of God who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

Knowing this they offered their lives as a living sacrifice and built not their homes, but the kingdom of God. Enjoying the freedom in Christ, this is what I want to be doing. I don't want to get in the rat race of building my own kingdom. It is my prayer that the spirit of God would cause this desire to grow and use me for the glory of His name.

Fears

Knowing Jesus and after walking with Jesus for all these years and after much thinking, defining and re defining my goals, values and attitudes I have come to know that Hannah's home going has lessened my fears....namely The fear of life, The fear for life and the Fear of death.
I am set free, released and liberated from such fears at least theoretically. I still have to pass the practical tests in some areas.

Fear of life.

As a child I always worried about my parents, I worried what would happen to us if something happened to them. Growing up, I worried about the test scores and my friendship skills. I worried about who would love me and I worried about all the possible "what ifs" that could happen before the sunset everyday. As an adult I worried about my career and life. As a believer in Jesus Christ I was 'concerned' about the discrepancies I saw around me....There were always worries and concerns... With Hannah passing away, I have understood that life is so fleeting, this place is not my permanent home. I am here only to decide my eternity. Eternity is where I am going to spend my life. It is like you are travelling to a place and you are at the station to buy the ticket. You don't worry about what ever happens at the station, because the station is not where you are going to be, you are going to go to your home. You are at the station only for a while...Just like Jesus said, "In a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. " I have understood that I am here only for a while and I will be boarding soon. While I am at the station let me call as many as I can, and tell them the right place to go and the way to go. Jesus said "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal. Mathew 6:19,20." So as I live my life here, I am going to store away treasures in heaven. I am going to fill my heavenly account with credits. This I do by obeying my Lord as I have been set free from the fear of life.

I shall write again about Fear for life and Fear of death in the following posts. Stay tuned.